As begins a new chapter

Well, change as they say is inevitable..and change as they say is the only thing thats constant! It always fucking keeps changing!
And its time again. For change. As is about to begin a completely new chapter, with a completely new setup, i cannot say i'm not apprehensive. It would be unfair to say that am not looking forward either. This strange mix of confusion, apprehension and excitement almost sends a thrill down my spine; almost, a chill too, at times.
However with time, i think i have come to realize that, i somehow thrive on this sense of unknown..The new fascinates me...mostly :) Monotony is not my cup of tea. Not that it hasn't gotten me into trouble but it has taught me to be who i am today! I'm grateful.

Kolkata still continues to be an attachment in her own way...yet again; She always had her ways of making sure that however much the distance maybe, i came back home, right to her! Each time, different reasons maybe :)

I'm set to move to another new city, tomorrow; technically today! In less than 15 hours now..

I wish me good luck.. We shall keep walking...
:)

'Sex and the City' gone wrong, right and haywire!!!

This is just what i needed! Siggghhhh....
Well, after a very uncomfortable discussion with someone who at one point had held a whole lot of emotion and importance in your life, u would think it is the right time to indulge yourself into an episode of 'Sex and the City...Four single women reassuring each other they were incredible all by themselves, and thats all they needed! Well seems like it wasn't all that i needed, for once. Well the episode talked about all things i dint want to hear about, at least from Sex and the City..Souls, and mates and all that jazz (well the next episode had a jazz musician too).
All that conversation about between independent, strong, successful women about one person who makes your life worth its while, another prince charming story...Well for once, i dint want to hear that story of happily ever after and Prince Charmings on their snow white horses. Anyway, hence the second episode followed. I took a break from my desire to pen (in this case key) down my feelings and indulged myself in the second episode. Well now, this was about boundaries, non-boundaries, defining and non-defining relationships...
Did i need that? This i cant quite be sure about...

Well, Carrie once wisely says Eskimos had a hundred words for Ice...we from Ice-age have come up with about a hundred thousand different terms for relationships. Each have their own boundaries, non-boundaries, each has a definition of its own, each has an essence and a KRA (key responsibility areas!!) of its own. Sometimes, on a street that u've walked down so often, in coffee shops that you have frequented, in restaurants u've eaten, at clubs u've partied, in those alleys u know so well, this need for label corners you, almost encumbers you. Mostly i've seen the need and mostly i've wanted them...but mostly they've brought too much baggage with them.

Hence like Carrie says, 'Maybe, it is one relationship, that defines another!'

The lost and never found..

This feeling i recognize so well
Or maybe not at all
Buries its claws deep inside
Stifling me, looking for a release


With blurred vision i try  to find
Things that were vague then, are  vague now...
A lill voice screams somewhere
'Girl you ought to wear shoes this time'


I walk, I dance, I sing, I romance
I feel, I don't, I know, I wont
The  love, the vengeance
The love, the lover, the profound.


It comes and goes
The hat blowing away the wind
Or the other way 'round
I sit by the windowsill, watching...
the  sundown


The search never lasts
Of the lost and never found
It comes and goes,and goes again
It only severs, never turns around
Incessantly on it goes...

Wants...

I was reading something the other day, and another day, and another day...when this realization dawned upon me, of how much we crave that we dont have...or perhaps never will...Knowing full well that wanting it, does not make things better or worse; they would just bring upon a whirlwind of change in your life. Some that you'd probably welcome, some taht you wont...
It got me wondering, taht if it is so, then after a point in our lives, after certain experiences in our lives, are we more careful about what we want to want...or does that innane raw desire remain the same? The only difference being that we probably learn to curb the expression of the want better, for the fear of heartbreak?
Or is it that we just become wiser and learn to chose our wants differently? Do we really control our wants or is it the other way round?
Just wondering...

Sometimes a strong desire to want what i want takes over.Thats when i take a deep breath and tell myself i know better....

Diamonds and Rust...

I'll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall

As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years ago
I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell
Would keep you unharmed

Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there

Now you're telling me
You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid 


~ Joan Baez

Happily Ever After...

Yesterday, Patrick Dempsey and a chirpy, not-so-good-looking Hollywood actress Amy Adams urged me to believe that the so often heard of ‘happily ever after’ existed, very much so....we only have to find our respective prince/princess charming(s); While they tried to the best of their abilities to make the fairy tale look seemingly real, it got me thinking.

Is there really ever a ‘happily ever after’ or is there just an ‘ever after’...Movies, fairy tales, the moonlight sonata, the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, forever and ever after, eternal love etc..all the enchanted concepts of the enchanted world tempt us, rather lead us to believe that the concept of ‘happily ever after’ not only exists, but thrives amongst us, happily ever after; they talk of love that never died, of happiness that never ceased, of bonds that people never grew over or out of, of hands that were held together forever and ever, of ten years of separation at the end of which your sweetheart waited for you as pristine as you left them...

I began thinking, recalling, of all those I knew, of all those I know, of all those I have known, looking for that ‘happily ever after’...Somehow the enchanted fairy tale, seems to be a very elusive concept in real life. I’ve known people who’ve been with their prince charming for years, only before taking waking up to reality and finding that prince charming was an illusion as elusive as their reality...People have been married, but unhappily ever after...People have sworn love and fidelity to each other only to realize after a few months of ‘loving’ each other that the sight of the other person is a sore to the eyes!

What if ‘happily ever after' is only a concept that has been so romanticized by movies, fairy tales just to appeal to our fancy and increase one’s cost price. In reality does a happily ever after exist? Is it prince charming that we are looking for or is it the next best thing that comes along, who we mould into our image of the prince charming... Then does this concept, so fantasized by us, does this exist at all? Or is it that we have built so much of expectations that even if happily ever after stared us right into our faces we’d fail to recognize it; or better still we’d freak out with the idea altogether. I sometimes think that we set so much by our prince charming that poor prince charming turns into a toad with trying to deal with all the pressure. Poor lill prince charming...

Well, after a point in life, I guess so many complications serve our existence that the thought of an ‘happily ever after’ is as enticing as that pair of red shoes that look oh-so-pretty from the display window, but somehow it’s just not the right fit!! You can never find the right size!

But well then a friend said, ‘It's the idea of Utopia that’s enticing’! So till I find my ‘happily ever after’, I’ll keep looking...