Through the looking glass

'plus les choses changent, plus elles restent les mêmes'

They say, the more things change, the more they remain the same.

Strange, are the ways of life. Stranger, is the fact that, i came across this phrase today, when less than another sunrise-sunset cycle ago, i was chuckling at how almost everything goes on and around, in one huge, inevitable circle, like the ancient Ouroborus, who forever, kept chasing his tail. And all the while you deludedly think, you have changed; and hence things around you have changed simultaneously, much credit to the laws of nature/physics/history, whichever appeals to your palette. One large circle, that you think, you have shaped, if not designed, and redesigned often, while Life, patiently hopes that someday, you will wake up and realize that while you were very much in control, hardly anything has changed, and that's precisely why. It is the same pattern, drawn over and over again, through different axes, through varying dimensions, masked in enticing colors, fooling you into seeing shapes, but essentially, in its naked best, just that; the same circle. A kaleidoscope, yes...but just some broken shards of colored glass.
Maybe, you were looking through the looking glass. Maybe, you only saw your reflection.

And patterns, i've grown to dislike. Whether they be mine, or they belong to someone else. Or whether they belong to me and someone else... especially  that, also.
I sometimes, fancy myself and question why. An answer, though, doesn't quite come by. Somewhere, i know the answer though, though, not yet, not as yet. It is usually, a me who stares back, or maybe, just maybe, that is what i have chosen to see. Sometimes, i acknowledge, i have looked away. 

Someone once told me, between two devils, choose the one that you never have before!

Some, though, never wake up from this slumber of seeming control. Sometimes, i really envy them, because they will have never known how foolish you feel in hindsight; at some other more self indulgent times, i pity them too. It sure does feel a stronger woman, to have faced it, confronted it even, but then again, i've always played the 'Superwoman'. So much so, that i have, almost, become one. But then, a superhero, without as much superpower, is only, an anomaly. And as I battle a seemingly different situation, with a seemingly different me, each time, I find an insignificant relic of an older me, each time. I wonder then, through various cities, various jobs, various houses, various men, various friends, various mistakes, various situations, various people, that i have encountered, masked and unmasked, lived and loved, and not, is it still the same things i will choose every time. A more evolved me emerges each time, as it should. Yet, then too, it still is the kaleidoscope, seen from a different angle this time. And, what an enticing color you see, at each of these fanciful times! heh!

You always go back to the same  you. The same habits, the same patters, the same relics. When Life decides to take all your plans and toss them up in one huge pan, spice them up, sauce them up, garnish and give you a new dish altogether, you'd hardly try to use chopsticks, if you were me! 

Between the ravages of life and your own indulgent self, there is, constantly a battle that is waiting to be won. Again, perhaps, it is only a self imposed battle. To feel a little more significant, or to slip under the easy cover of anonymity; both and none, sometimes together. As i shift from one city to another, from one make-shift house to another make-shift wardrobe, i sometimes cannot help but wonder if i will ever find home, or if i will ever 'stay long enough to make it'! Then, at the next moment, i only laugh at my own follies, as i did now. What exactly, is it that i want?
No, don't bother answering that! I never did.


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