The Black Parts Need To Te Loved As Well

She said it, right after my own heart...


Selah Sue - Black Part Love!

You're freezed and I tried to make you,
You're freezed and I tried to make you warm, cause you always got what it takes to act like you are some kind of hard-ass
But I know better than that, I know you way to long,

You see I know 'bout your background,
It wasn't easy I know for sure,
But that's no reason to crack
It's in the ( unknown word ) to let it go,
Be who you are now, who you're supposed to be,

Now listen girl, learn how to love your self again,
And then just fly out girl, cause you are worth it, oh..

You fell and I tried to get you,
You fell and I tried to get you up,
cause when things don't work out " Oh, no!"
You shut yourself up let it all just drop,
But that's not the way it works,
That is not the way it works,

And I know that it's easy, it's easy to hurt yourself,
but then you must realize, the black parts need to be loved as well, oh yeah
The black parts need to be loved as well,

Listen girl, do you understand what I'm saying?
I know that one day you will get there,
One day, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Listen girl, listen girl, oh oh yeah..
Listen girl, listen girl, oh oh yeah..

You better find your love, you better go insane, find your love and find your way!!!
I know you're on the run, I know you watched it
This is all I got to say, this is all I got to say, say, say, say!
I know one day, I know one day, I know one day, I know that one day you'll get there, yeah, yeah,
but I know that one day you will get there, one day, yeah yeah

Now listen girl, learn how to love your self again,
And then just fly out girl, cause you are worth it, you're worth it!!

;)

'...Because we've shared some laughs together'

Through the looking glass

'plus les choses changent, plus elles restent les mêmes'

They say, the more things change, the more they remain the same.

Strange, are the ways of life. Stranger, is the fact that, i came across this phrase today, when less than another sunrise-sunset cycle ago, i was chuckling at how almost everything goes on and around, in one huge, inevitable circle, like the ancient Ouroborus, who forever, kept chasing his tail. And all the while you deludedly think, you have changed; and hence things around you have changed simultaneously, much credit to the laws of nature/physics/history, whichever appeals to your palette. One large circle, that you think, you have shaped, if not designed, and redesigned often, while Life, patiently hopes that someday, you will wake up and realize that while you were very much in control, hardly anything has changed, and that's precisely why. It is the same pattern, drawn over and over again, through different axes, through varying dimensions, masked in enticing colors, fooling you into seeing shapes, but essentially, in its naked best, just that; the same circle. A kaleidoscope, yes...but just some broken shards of colored glass.
Maybe, you were looking through the looking glass. Maybe, you only saw your reflection.

And patterns, i've grown to dislike. Whether they be mine, or they belong to someone else. Or whether they belong to me and someone else... especially  that, also.
I sometimes, fancy myself and question why. An answer, though, doesn't quite come by. Somewhere, i know the answer though, though, not yet, not as yet. It is usually, a me who stares back, or maybe, just maybe, that is what i have chosen to see. Sometimes, i acknowledge, i have looked away. 

Someone once told me, between two devils, choose the one that you never have before!

Some, though, never wake up from this slumber of seeming control. Sometimes, i really envy them, because they will have never known how foolish you feel in hindsight; at some other more self indulgent times, i pity them too. It sure does feel a stronger woman, to have faced it, confronted it even, but then again, i've always played the 'Superwoman'. So much so, that i have, almost, become one. But then, a superhero, without as much superpower, is only, an anomaly. And as I battle a seemingly different situation, with a seemingly different me, each time, I find an insignificant relic of an older me, each time. I wonder then, through various cities, various jobs, various houses, various men, various friends, various mistakes, various situations, various people, that i have encountered, masked and unmasked, lived and loved, and not, is it still the same things i will choose every time. A more evolved me emerges each time, as it should. Yet, then too, it still is the kaleidoscope, seen from a different angle this time. And, what an enticing color you see, at each of these fanciful times! heh!

You always go back to the same  you. The same habits, the same patters, the same relics. When Life decides to take all your plans and toss them up in one huge pan, spice them up, sauce them up, garnish and give you a new dish altogether, you'd hardly try to use chopsticks, if you were me! 

Between the ravages of life and your own indulgent self, there is, constantly a battle that is waiting to be won. Again, perhaps, it is only a self imposed battle. To feel a little more significant, or to slip under the easy cover of anonymity; both and none, sometimes together. As i shift from one city to another, from one make-shift house to another make-shift wardrobe, i sometimes cannot help but wonder if i will ever find home, or if i will ever 'stay long enough to make it'! Then, at the next moment, i only laugh at my own follies, as i did now. What exactly, is it that i want?
No, don't bother answering that! I never did.


...

Quirks; eccentricities.

This, that,
every now and then
the flash of a blink
every now and then

Some stay
some just pass you by
some stand and watch
while you hold its glare

Sometimes calm
restlessly still
rigid even;
teh this and then teh that!

Quirks; eccentricities.
Sometimes they manifest themselves stronger than at some other times. I'm a woman, i can blame it on hormones, at most times. Irrespective. Often, most often, they remain reason-less; just quirks.


PS: my third cup of the early morning (read, continuation of previous night) lebu cha tastes warm and delicious. On a rainy morning, or a night; who knows!

Afterall, the stories have been told before...

Stories. They are of all kinds. Some finish with a ‘The End’, some others with a ‘happily ever after’. Some others, fade away, some into oblivion, even. While some others, have peaks, of extremes. And at one such extreme, where you never expected them to, they suddenly, abruptly, come to a close. Some others, stare at you, in your face, while you’re too busy turning pages, and then, one bright morning, are over, just like that; just when you started noticing the crisp beginnings. Some others you thought wouldn’t make a good read at all; yet they turned out to be some of the most captivating chapters you came across. 

Yet some others, never ended... because you never gave them a closure. You, particularly, did not give them a closure, or a beginning, for that matter.  As you watched them bloom from a birds eye view, you knew, all the while that they wouldn't have one. Yet, you, silly you, wanted it, all of it; a beginning , a body, a closure even, if it came to that;  wanted it with all your heart, sometimes, so clandestinely that you did not open it upto anyone but to the most imperceptible recesses of yourself. There, where you affectionately stored all those silly anecdotes, those that you did not tell, only smiled at, like a mother does at her naughty kid, when no one is looking. And all the  while, you acted wise. To you, and to everyone around you.  Perhaps, because that was the only way to preserve the charm. Perhaps, because that was the charm about them. Pristine, yet so decrepit. White, yet so grey!

PS: Eccentricities! Once! 

Later, disappear.

Essentials. Bare essentials

You, me.

A lill scattered here,

A lill brimming there...

Captured,

Escaped still!

A  twinkle of a star

Far away,

Momentary. Tempestous.

Uncanny still.

Unreliable, at best!

Omnipresent.

Spark. A fire.

Light a lamp,

Shadows, the sign of life.

Ever flickering!

Keep still. 

Later, disappear.

...

De-toxing

One of those times, when the duality of the necessity and the simultaneous futility of your own existentialism weighs down upon your heart...the kinds that wrenches your heart...Yes, so this is yet another one of those posts from the lower rungs of levelheadedness...

So yet again i've some questions, that i need to throw up into the void, not particularly in the hope of attracting an answer...but because they become toxic if they stay inside for too long. 

Hence yet again, I wonder why it is always elusive concepts that we want to, and hence try to capture. Tch! The very basic follies of human nature! What you cant have is always what you want, inspite of your better judgement and better knowledge.Happiness for instance - sometime the whole conscious effort to look for happiness defeats the whole purpose.

What makes me happy? The rain does, i know...so does the sound of the sea...and the soundlessness of the hills..

A dear friend and me, have had this discussion often...'dukhobilashita' she calls it..i love how the word sounds...the sound of melancholy...:) At those times, we are left questioning yet again, the meaning and implications of several intricacies of life, and the drama they inherently unfold in each of our lives, differently, yet so alike. That is when we play old songs, rummage through memories and end up talking about the futility of the reminiscing... yet the indulgence, is very endearing.

These are times when i have specifically selected a set of songs to be on the loop, and each of those makes my shoulders droop and my eyes brim.. the necessity and the inherent futility, making so much more sense then! 

But at these times, at these strange hours, as shadows cast their shadows in my mind, creating an indistinct shape here, another familiar one there, i cant help but wonder. What is it that we are actually looking for...love, money, peace, satisfaction, God-likeness? What is it? What do each of them really even mean? One who has been there, will hardly be able to explain and one who hasn't will hardly be able to comprehend. So the point is lost in trying to make it altogether. I often wonder that perhaps in seeking happiness we drive her further away, shirking away in the corner, where she stays put, till suddenly at a very opportune moment, she catches you unawares and lights up your heart. And sadly, then in the blink of an eye she disappears, leaving a sweet-bitter taste in your mouth..

I see some among us, play along, play along with life... and how it gladdens my heart to see the ease and the warmth with with they accept and embrace life.Whatever it brings, without questioning. How i sometimes wish i were one of them. One story has to end, for another to begin and then that too will end to make way for yet another. Yet again, you will go through an upheveal of emotions and yet again tides will rise and ebb, till they move on to another coast... then, you too will move on to yet another coast for yet another capsule of time..lap up the warmth of experience and yet again wander off..

Yet, the effort seems so much...

Sometimes i give a thought to how much i indulge myself..my wants have always taken precedence over my needs, sometimes even over my common sense. If you dont crave something, you will hardy ever enjoy it when you have it..and hence I've never been someone who has denied herself access to her wants...if it has been anywhere within my reach, i have usually reached out to it..sometimes, even inspite my better knowledge. At these times the feeble voice of the sensible woman trying to make herself heard has mostly been ignored. For an idealist, romantic, practicality has hardly ever held any attractions. Unfortunately, but, the ease of non-attachment has always eluded me. I've always had a favourite book, that i've carried with me, wherever i've gone. I've always had a best friend. I've always had that nightsuit i cant do without. This however seems foolish when you know that someday your nightsuit will become unuseable, a different book will become your favourite, leaving behind the faint fragrance of memories.

Distractions help. Bum-bay in that respect is a blessing. There'll be a dearth of the lack of distractions if you choose wisely, and hardly the other way around. I've been back here almost a month now and i've been breaking habits. I've always had the knack for things at their face value. They say, that even the foolish-est of us, learn with time and experience..

Nevertheless, this time the city has been far kinder to me..maybe its just the lull before the storm, maybe its compensating for the last time..who knows..i'm sure the answers will come to me...with time and experience...One thing though that has not much changed about this city is that it still is a very lonely city..i miss a particular warmth in the air that Calcutta always wore as a shawl. Inspite of being the most populated city in the country, with people and hence illegit constructions popping up their innocent heads from every corner, the city leaves you feeling very alone ...Then too people help, unless you have already found home. Home, again, has always eluded me, though i've never lacked a place to rest my head. I've been looking for those niches here that you need to have in every place, those where contentment is inevitable...some i've found, some i still am to... time and experience yet again..

These are times when you know the airbubbles will burst. Yet you put so much effort into making each..you want them to be beautiful till such time they pop and nothing remains. And all the while you have known they would. Afterall amidst pine trees, they never would have lasted. Made a pretty picture..absolutely, but of course you knew, they would burst. Some of them even before they were fully formed. Why then inspite of the wisdom, does the heart look for that something that your mind already has some ten very good reasons not to have? Then why the craving for chocolate, when its only gonna make u fat! At these times, this blog is my dearest friend; this and the other. Usually then, i try and disappear far far away from all the persons i know. I resort to all the 'people' in my life instead... Ambivalence and the people who stand for it. De-toxing! Some among them, again, if you have chosen wisely, become persons too. Rarely though.

Not that i do not reach out to those closest to me, but those are mostly the need for attention and validation. And more often than not, a phase that leads upto this one. Attachment, and the expectations that follow are of desire that grew out of one of the solemn, hardly noticed nodes. Its time i gave the whole tree a proper pruning! Somethings are just not meant to be, and they wont. Some others, even if they were meant to be, wont. Because you live in a world that is as real as it gets. There are accidents, heartbreaks, heartaches, losses, failures...n then u get up and run again. In midst of the rat race, if you see another fragile image somewhere, you strain to keep your eyes off.. Your cozy cover of the land of happiness, where in the midst of Neverland you actually hold the dreams of forever still breathing in the fragrance of freshness, will remain, just that. Your Cozy Cover!..the one you could slip into at your own will, however it is also the one that never made any promises of reality. You just played along, in search of the land of the hills, while the mirage kept shifting further and further away...

And yet again my music player chooses to play 'Annie's song'...well, i think i'll put this on the loop now..

Have you ever wished you lived the song?