mindless ramblings,or maybe not that mindless...

i wonder what is it...i somehow cant put my finger on it...but somehow its making me very unhappy. i made a promise to myself a while back...that i dont deserve to be unhappy, n a very trusted friend had told me that our lives are usually as simple or as complicated as we make them...so it is a matter of choice...but again i think of the 90-10 principle too...is the 10% unhappiness/complications enough incentive to throw away the 90% happiness...maybe not...

I hate being in an emotionally vulnerable situation...especially if my emotionally vulnerable situation is being taken advantage of...suddenly my happiness seems to depend on someone else, n that isnt something i quite approve of,leave alone wanting to be party to such an event...but then again i have never been successfully able to deal with emotional dependence/intervention in my life...be that my parents, my friends, my partner...anyone...i generally tend to close myself in such situations....sarcasm becomes an automatic defense,hence...especially situations where i know i was wrong, accept my mistake n am apologetic for it.I dont like people rubbing it in (tithi, thanks for never doing that, inspite of the numerous chances u had)..we all make mistakes dont we...at least i do.i have always hated anyone telling me "I told you so..."...makes me feel like someone has more control of my life than i would like them to...i agree i've done things i shouldnt have,said things i shouldnt have either, but havent we all??...i have forgiven people...infact if my memory stands by me, i have forgiven every single one who has wronged me ...people who according to humanity standards shouldnt have been forgiven at all..forgiven, but not forgotten !! So i guess, its but natural that i expect similar(if not same) things from others...but i guess it is expectations that fucks things up, n royally too...For all my big talk about not expecting things i do, i very much do...not that i'm too happy about it...and the worst part is that the more comfortable you become in a relation, any relation for that matter, the more are your expectations...again, parents, friends, partners..none escape... the more naked you are in front of people, the more you want them to come cover you up, to come hold you...the fuck up is that if it is one of them you have hurt, they want to get back at you too..perfectly justified...but again, did we all not vouch perpetual love??? so the choice always comes back to either survival of self or self depreciation to let emotions win...difficult choice, but your choice all the same :)