As yet another year comes to a close

Yet another year is coming to a close. And its been one hell of a year!

As is true with each year, it has brought its share of ups, or at least apparent ones, and its share of lows. Sometimes with not so clear demarcations. Good, bad, ugly have blended in so well sometimes, it became increasingly difficult to tell one from the other. Through a swarm of extreme highs and lows, it became increasingly difficult to discern one from the other. Anyhow, i have almost swam through!

This year began with a jerk. From reading what i wrote at the end of last year, i should have seen it coming, and maybe i did; do i see it coming again? Like i said, things have blended in so smoothly, my vision has almost blurred. But i'd like to believe not yet. Or to say the least, i'd like to hope so. Call me a fool, but the little things that give us hope of  brighter day, after the night, is something that each of us likes to hold on to. And for now, i shall hold on to mine; till it slips away... 

From the very start, this year had me make some tough choices. I chose myself and a different city. And in some ways that paid off. Travel and drunk dancing can help you deal with almost anything. Thankfully the first worked for me tremendously earlier this year. I will always be grateful to some splendid people for making that happen. From Goa, to Naukuchiyatal, to that unknown spring by the hills, to Jalianwala Bagh, travelling helped soothe my nerves. So did the job. Knowing that you can get what you want is always a good feeling, till, you actually have it, and you realize, maybe you did not want it all that much. And that too is exactly what happened. But dint they say, that if you want something badly enough the Universe conspires to make it happen? Sometimes the conspiracies you may like, sometime you may despise, but hardly can you ever stop them. 

Good things, and completely unforeseen, unintended good things happened as well. Some people happened! Bitter sweet drama followed, and hell yea, that is always tantalizing. At moments i gave in, at some other more self obsessed one i fought. Yet we held on, sometimes inspite of my insanities, sometimes inspite of his. In the meantime i realized like never before, what it means to not judge a book by its cover! And that's a puzzle am still trying to put together. Its good, i haven't found all the pieces yet. I was never too good with serenity, though sometimes i may ask for it desperately. Sigh! the follies and contradictions of human nature.

In the meantime, realizations happened. From realizing that maybe i should have made more of an effort in places where i did not, and lesser in places where i did, to realizing that it was disastrous to have put anybody's needs before mine. As did realizations like maybe with time and experience my tolerance levels have sunk low, and that it maybe a lill unfair on others. My burdens, after all are mine, and only mine to bear. 

Again i was presented with a set of tough choices and this time the course of life made those choices for me. Went through the lowest of the lows, and discovered passion; went through the highest highs and discovered vices. The last few months especially were a blur of illnesses, bad choices, insecurities, bad jobs, still worse choices, yet more illness, and yet more tragedy. They say, you fight and win or you perish; am making efforts to keep myself from perishing. Through it all, some people have been constants. They know who they are and how much they mean to me. I owe you all a hug of gratitude. :)

All said and done, the crests and troughs this year, have both been pretty steep. Am complaining and not!
Someone says i seek drama; i call it stimulation. Well, times change, and times fly.. A year ago, a far more depressed me, was sitting and writing a similar post, in an alien city, today am safely tucked in, in my blanket in the comforts of home while i type this. Some things still need to be figured out, and they will in their own time, i'd like to believe. From Bumbay, to Delhi, back to Calcutta, it's really been one hell of a year.

Tempus fugit...am still holding fort! Like always, just a lill more wiser now...