'Ugh'-ness, a way of life, ever since i've known it! :)

Foreword (they should really call it what it is - A Statutory Warning): Yayy! I'm back. With one of those 'ugh' feelings, hence coming up is another 'ugh' post!

But this time, (like most other times; again! ugh!) i'm not too sure, if this 'ugh' feeling, as it rises from deep within my guts, travels all the way through my oesophagus, sometimes stunningly passing on its 'ugh'-ness to my wind pipe (afterall, they're neighbours, and its stupid of me, not to expect some osmosis-reverse-osmosis; whatever!) and goes right upto my head, and happily tinkers around with feelings that had just begun to settle themselves in one cozy corner, is one of disgust/angst/ utter disgust/ plain simple distaste driven and motivated by someone else's doing, or by my own! But hell no, what is life without a lill bit (or a lot) of uncalled for, often self-created, self-indulgent drama?!
Now, that i've sufficiently laid my warning statements, i can guilelessly proceed, without any inklings of guilt whatsoever. (God knows why i'd be feeling guilty in the first place...this is afterall my blog, and if nothing else, i have every right to rant!)

Coming back to the 'ugh'-ness, after quite a while i spent a weekend being social. No, am not ugh-ing about that. I'm usually very particular about the company i keep, though i can make friends as easily as a chef can make good-tasting dal-chawal (and i judge the standards of 'good chef'-ness by Japps! i miss you much, Japps..as much for your stupid Surd-ness as for the brilliance with which you'd make the simplest food taste  out of this world). I'm good with people, but that does not necessarily equate to me liking them, infact quite the opposite most of the times. However, this weekend i choose to spend in company, mostly of women i like, or/and am prone to liking.About about 36 hours of sumptuous alcohol-food-tea-gossip later i realize that most of us are in similar, if not the same boats. From directionless, if not entirely pointless lives, aka, jobs (because that's mostly our lives in this city anyway), to beginning or ending or simply dealing with pointless relationships (for the better or worse or simply for the lack of a better word - fuck buddy just doesn't do it here..there are emotions involved, you see!), mostly trying to figure out why and how on earth did you land yourself in this mess, though you knew most of the time while you were at it, that you eventually would! (my best friend keeps saying that i love to prove her right- i can't help it! She has a black mouth! Bitch!), to being broke soon after paying your rent to live in glorified pigeonholes, to cribbing about the maid and her rancid self-proclaimed selflessness, bitching about women who have it easier than you, simply because they could do without the conscience-ethics bullshit that stayed back with you while common sense evaporated, to propping up pretty red Marilyn Monroe-d cushions to make the make-shift blank walls look closer to home, to justifying monogamy and all its  inherent troubles, to  watching mindless humour in an it-can-only-happen-in-an-Adam Sandler-movie  to take your mind off the constant turmoil, though sneakily checking various messaging forums on your phone in between, to check if you've got a message that you were/were not expecting, but wanted in your inbox all the same, thus defeating the whole purpose of the mindless-Adam Sandler movie ritual to finally discussing how much hair you're losing and what oil/stylist could help you in such plight!

Nevermind; the point that i'm trying to make here is that, almost all the thinking (if not rabindra-sangeet singing) women i've met and liked here share the same woes. That however, does not reduce the ugh-ness i feel, by one bit. Then what's the point you ask? That is the whole point. There isn't one! Did I not already warn you, that this was another of those pointless posts?

A few months ago, when i was innocuously trying to decide whether i should continue living in the shards of safety and security i had as Calcutta pitched against   the unfamiliarity and the goosebumps they inevitably bring, in the name of Bumbay, in hoping to catch a whisk of the ever-so-elusive Bumbay-spirit, a very close friend had remarked that she has a feeling that i'll be unhappy here. I managed to assuage her and myself that this time, since i already knew Bumbay was not merely about Marine Drive in the rain, (though the notion of that bit, is just as pretty as it sounds) i did not have much expectations from this city apart from an insane, hence sane professional life! My personal life could go for a toss, and there has never been a true-er saying than 'be careful what you wish for'. All having said and done, the-then me, who was also sort of trying to sort her personal life by not having one, kind of forgot about the nature of that particular element, i so well thought i had mastered - expectations as we usually call them, sticky lizards as some of us among my closest friends call them! They just jump upon you, at the most unprepared moments, take you by surprise and the worst part is once they've appeared they build a cosy nest exactly in those parts of your existence which you'd consciously and carefully lined with baygon spray! All the while jeering at you, for your utter naivety of having termed it as a no-strings relationship.

Now, the thing here is, newness is my thing! As opposed to change, as contradictory as it may sound. You'd know what i'm saying if you were me, but you're not, and thank your lucky stars for it. Another friend at a similar time told me that while I may be quirky, i'm perhaps looking for a home to base the quirk out of. And since home is another concept that has competed, and hell, competed well with the elusive nature of the afore mentioned Bumbay-spirit, i did not pay much heed to that, either! However, a few more emotional upheaveals  in an unfamiliar city later, i think i should have paid heed. And  no, that is not regret. Everything deserves a second chance, if not a third. This city needed to have its fair share too. It does now. Whenever, and wherever i go next, i will have known that i tried. And i did not fail...it was this illusion that failed me. Somethings are just not made for you, and the sooner you realize that, the better. Or simply, just realize that. That's good enough!

I do not know where am headed with this. But its been a while I've wanted the semblances of what i could call home. They say growing up is when you realize that you are you, and what you want may not be what you need, but what you need is often what you want. I guess i finally am looking for home. Heh! (by now i've deleted this line thrice and retyped it in different words each time, just to make it looks less conspicuous!). It takes a lot for me to say this. It does. Essentially because i've always been so happy being the nomad, scurrying, if not escaping from one fanciful mirage to another. Here's my toast to Darwinism!  Here's my toast to wanting a semblance of life, love, calm, solitude, and belonging, all the while feeding the wanderer with happiness! Here's my toast to me!

And till i find what i'm looking for i couldn't have myself put it better than the unfazed Bass himself -

"I'm fine. It's nothing that can't be fixed with a night of scotch and perhaps a rogue socialite"

Cheers! Happy Monday!