mindless ramblings,or maybe not that mindless...

i wonder what is it...i somehow cant put my finger on it...but somehow its making me very unhappy. i made a promise to myself a while back...that i dont deserve to be unhappy, n a very trusted friend had told me that our lives are usually as simple or as complicated as we make them...so it is a matter of choice...but again i think of the 90-10 principle too...is the 10% unhappiness/complications enough incentive to throw away the 90% happiness...maybe not...

I hate being in an emotionally vulnerable situation...especially if my emotionally vulnerable situation is being taken advantage of...suddenly my happiness seems to depend on someone else, n that isnt something i quite approve of,leave alone wanting to be party to such an event...but then again i have never been successfully able to deal with emotional dependence/intervention in my life...be that my parents, my friends, my partner...anyone...i generally tend to close myself in such situations....sarcasm becomes an automatic defense,hence...especially situations where i know i was wrong, accept my mistake n am apologetic for it.I dont like people rubbing it in (tithi, thanks for never doing that, inspite of the numerous chances u had)..we all make mistakes dont we...at least i do.i have always hated anyone telling me "I told you so..."...makes me feel like someone has more control of my life than i would like them to...i agree i've done things i shouldnt have,said things i shouldnt have either, but havent we all??...i have forgiven people...infact if my memory stands by me, i have forgiven every single one who has wronged me ...people who according to humanity standards shouldnt have been forgiven at all..forgiven, but not forgotten !! So i guess, its but natural that i expect similar(if not same) things from others...but i guess it is expectations that fucks things up, n royally too...For all my big talk about not expecting things i do, i very much do...not that i'm too happy about it...and the worst part is that the more comfortable you become in a relation, any relation for that matter, the more are your expectations...again, parents, friends, partners..none escape... the more naked you are in front of people, the more you want them to come cover you up, to come hold you...the fuck up is that if it is one of them you have hurt, they want to get back at you too..perfectly justified...but again, did we all not vouch perpetual love??? so the choice always comes back to either survival of self or self depreciation to let emotions win...difficult choice, but your choice all the same :)

i imagine

and i fly...

i distance myself

and i cry...

the embraces enumerate

what i never said

the tears, the fears

the memory gradually fades

the lights dims

and all the way it seems

another story

another unspoken glory

i turn around and ask

who is it staring back?

who is it wearing the mask?

memories blur...

essentials turn sour

the emotions sway

overtaken by a tranquility of today

i turn back and ask

who is it and what is it that you want

the images turns to me and say

since when did you have the right to betray?

beneath the ruins

the lucidity of thoughts

the necessity of being

an urge that overpowered

that today empowers...

the silence echoing

with sounds unheard

the valley lies uninhabited

like a dead city calling out

the flashes of anger,

of hurt,

of love,

floats amidst the clouds

and disappears

shelled in its cocoon

trapped in its own expanse

the soul that escaped

etched the memoirs of its time

closed are the gates now

the curtains are drawn

what lay beneath the emptiness

was never defined...

tO Be Or NoT tO bE...

I have been wondering what it takes to be yourself... a few disapproving glances, a few shushed whispers and probably risking a few out aloud too. But if that is all that is at stake why are we so often overshadowed by the need for accepatance, the need for approval..from our parents, friends, partners and so on.. some seek acceptance of a much larger group, whilst others choose to be satisfied with smaller groups. However this need for acceptance exists in all..or maybe i'll say in those i have observed, so as to avoid making a very strongly opinionated statement. I think this to a large extent could be attributed to the way one is brought up, the environment and the general mindset of the people he/she has grown up with.I mean, for most of us, being one among the others has been fine tumed into our systems. So very often i remember my mother saying, ' but she did this...'...but is taht enough reason for me to do the same thing too? What scares me is that sometimes this need for being accepted amongst the others becomes so strong that it somehow blocks our vision to such a large extent that we shy away from standing up for what we stand by.Sometimes the pretence become so strong and prolonged that after a while it become difficult to distinguish the 'you' from the 'pretence'.While so many other times, it creates a defence mechanism in people where they shun the crowd, pre-emptively because thats the only way they can avoid the hurt of being shunned. That again is pretence, if i can say so, however this one directed more towards self-preservation and survival(of the fittest).How often has it happned that before raising your hand in confirmation of something, you have looked around to first check how many other hands are up. We humans have a natural tendency of complicaating relations. It would have been so much easier if we just let another person be. That doesnt mean we conform to their views forgoing our own, but all the same can we not accept the perso for who he/she is.We so often try to change our partner's or our friend's behaviour, though we always knew who they were.We so often want to love a person for who he/she could be, though we fell in love with who he/she was.Every person is entitled to their views, to their own lives in the exact way they would like it to be. If someone tried telling me what i should do, n how i should live my life i would tell them what to do with their 'piece' of advice, then i wonder why would i want to impose my way? Each one of us has the right to like/dislike things/people around us. then why this need for political correctness? Again this question brings me back to my original question of the need for acceptance.But again, does the ability to look yourself in the eye and smile, not mean more than anything in the world ?

wayward thoughts...

Random thoughts, often clutter my thinking space...the necessisty of being comes very essentially in that.however as it usually is like with me, taht too doesnt come baggage-free...it brings along with it several contradictions in me.Like my immense necessity to have as well as to crave. The need to be completely in control at times, whilst at others to let my hair down like nobody's business.Like the fierce need for independence alongwith the intense desire to belong. Like the need to be kind coupled with an overpowering need to be a bitch.Contradictions that often freak me out. Contradictions which tell me that the deeper i delve into me i find a new unexplored horizon of existence altogether.But it wasnt designed to be taht way, or was it? well again, you wouldn't expect any better from a complete narcissist, would you?
But keeping the self reprimands for later,aren't contradictions inherent in every existence? On one thought i want to pour my heart out, on second thoughts i do not want to become so vulnerable that one can use that against me.So one is on the guard agin, but sometimes, being on the guard do we also miss out on things that could have been worth-a-while? Do we sometimes miss out on people, because we were too busy being guarded ? Another question that immediately follows suite is , well if we are doing that, isnt that solely to protect oneself from getting hurt? Or is it that in our need to not get hurt, to survive and to survive happily we persuade ourselves to believe who we are not? But then again how do we decide how much to open up and who to open up to? who to give a chance to and who not to..Answering these questions wouldnt be all that difficult for you, if you were Tithi, but then again, it is me, so you can well imagine why the prolonged expression of utter confusion. Well i guess with time we all learn, but how do we learn to tell when it is time...One may say its important to maintain a balance, a suitable, convenient balance.But isn't this very definition of balance very relative too?