Monday, December 26, 2011

As yet another year comes to a close

Yet another year is coming to a close. And its been one hell of a year!

As is true with each year, it has brought its share of ups, or at least apparent ones, and its share of lows. Sometimes with not so clear demarcations. Good, bad, ugly have blended in so well sometimes, it became increasingly difficult to tell one from the other. Through a swarm of extreme highs and lows, it became increasingly difficult to discern one from the other. Anyhow, i have almost swam through!

This year began with a jerk. From reading what i wrote at the end of last year, i should have seen it coming, and maybe i did; do i see it coming again? Like i said, things have blended in so smoothly, my vision has almost blurred. But i'd like to believe not yet. Or to say the least, i'd like to hope so. Call me a fool, but the little things that give us hope of  brighter day, after the night, is something that each of us likes to hold on to. And for now, i shall hold on to mine; till it slips away... 

From the very start, this year had me make some tough choices. I chose myself and a different city. And in some ways that paid off. Travel and drunk dancing can help you deal with almost anything. Thankfully the first worked for me tremendously earlier this year. I will always be grateful to some splendid people for making that happen. From Goa, to Naukuchiyatal, to that unknown spring by the hills, to Jalianwala Bagh, travelling helped soothe my nerves. So did the job. Knowing that you can get what you want is always a good feeling, till, you actually have it, and you realize, maybe you did not want it all that much. And that too is exactly what happened. But dint they say, that if you want something badly enough the Universe conspires to make it happen? Sometimes the conspiracies you may like, sometime you may despise, but hardly can you ever stop them. 

Good things, and completely unforeseen, unintended good things happened as well. Some people happened! Bitter sweet drama followed, and hell yea, that is always tantalizing. At moments i gave in, at some other more self obsessed one i fought. Yet we held on, sometimes inspite of my insanities, sometimes inspite of his. In the meantime i realized like never before, what it means to not judge a book by its cover! And that's a puzzle am still trying to put together. Its good, i haven't found all the pieces yet. I was never too good with serenity, though sometimes i may ask for it desperately. Sigh! the follies and contradictions of human nature.

In the meantime, realizations happened. From realizing that maybe i should have made more of an effort in places where i did not, and lesser in places where i did, to realizing that it was disastrous to have put anybody's needs before mine. As did realizations like maybe with time and experience my tolerance levels have sunk low, and that it maybe a lill unfair on others. My burdens, after all are mine, and only mine to bear. 

Again i was presented with a set of tough choices and this time the course of life made those choices for me. Went through the lowest of the lows, and discovered passion; went through the highest highs and discovered vices. The last few months especially were a blur of illnesses, bad choices, insecurities, bad jobs, still worse choices, yet more illness, and yet more tragedy. They say, you fight and win or you perish; am making efforts to keep myself from perishing. Through it all, some people have been constants. They know who they are and how much they mean to me. I owe you all a hug of gratitude. :)

All said and done, the crests and troughs this year, have both been pretty steep. Am complaining and not!
Someone says i seek drama; i call it stimulation. Well, times change, and times fly.. A year ago, a far more depressed me, was sitting and writing a similar post, in an alien city, today am safely tucked in, in my blanket in the comforts of home while i type this. Some things still need to be figured out, and they will in their own time, i'd like to believe. From Bumbay, to Delhi, back to Calcutta, it's really been one hell of a year.

Tempus fugit...am still holding fort! Like always, just a lill more wiser now...




Thursday, December 22, 2011

Bidding the last goodbye

Its been a long long week, and a taxing one at that.

As i sat down today, inspite of several objections, to pay my last homage to the woman i owe my name to, a heavy feeling took over. One that i had kept at bay, for a while now. As the last rights of passage passed, memories came back from the nooks and corners they had been crammed way into. Memories of me having gone up to her as a child, after each day at school, with my complaints about mum. Memories of laying beside her and listening to her tell me stories; memories of having slipped into her kitchen to eat 'chaal'..; sitting in the balcony beside her, while she read in the evening light...

Time and distance have made most of the memories a little fuzzy, but they came back all the same. I had not seen her for a while; had been too caught up in my own world to see hers. I couldn't regret that more now. I'm sorry i wasn't there mamuni, when you were in pain; i'm sorry things turned out the way they did. I owe you a hug.

The woman passed away, two days back. As things are settling back to forced normalcy, with rituals following, the folly of existence somehow lays bare. She burnt to death. By the time my parents reached, there was very little left of her. I could not see her body; dada says its a good thing i remember her the way i do. In the middle of all of this, it fails me, how shallow and how apparent at that some people can be. Angers me too; If its not in your capacity to be honest to the cause, there is no need for you there; none whatsoever. You did not need to be there, to see the drama unfold, or to even provoke it. Its not your playing field. As relatives flocked to hear the story, and pry into the scene with their ostentatious sympathies, i wondered yet again what the point was...What was the point of inquiring into my whereabouts, when i reached, how promptly i reached, why they hadnt seen me before, if i had flown in; If i'd allowed them, i think the next thing they would have tried to find out is how much it had cost me!!

I wanted to participate in the 'kaaj'. I wasn't supposed to because i am a daughter; another folly i fail to understand; and never will; from what i could tell, i was more willing than many who did participate, by virtue of birth and marriage. I sat there nonetheless and recited the verses, hoping her soul would find some solace. I hope you did, if not in life or death, after so;

Rest in peace mamuni; am sorry it took me so long to bid you the last farewell

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wake up and Smell the Coffee

Over time a lot of things in me have changed. I've become analytical, of myself and others; something that i hardly used to do before; I size people up these days after i've met them, and usually am not very wrong about them; I've become intuitive, about people about things; again something that has grown with time. A particular friend of mine, if she were reading this, would have a proud mother's grin on her face now. However the grin i know would not last if sh continues reading.

Inspite of having developed these insights i still feel i'm very gullible. Very easy to influence. Someone a long time back had conveniently termed it as 'adaptable'. If the then me, had not fully understood the connotations of being adaptable, standing here where i do today i think i understand the word a little more. A lill older i am today! And while it is an absolute pleasure to tell yourself that you are/were right, no one likes being left feeling like a fool, knowing that you knew better. I certainly dont.

I realize that i need to put my foot down more often when there are things i dont agree to. The inane problem here is, that while at first i do, but if someone convinces me well enough of otherwise it does not take much for me to change my opinion. Possibly because i've for the longest time not relied on my instinct. Forget relying, i've not had a clear gut instinct. But now, that i'm a lill more aware i would like to chose otherwise. I'm penning this down so that each time i'm about to get moulded and carried away, i can come back to this post, shake myself and wake up and smell the coffee.

This is the last time i'm doing something inspite of the nibbling feeling that i know better. I will see how this spans out. People make new year resolutions; as this eventful 2011 comes to an end i'm making myself a year-end resolution: Never Again Against My Better Judgement.

We will still keep walking; this time only with firmer steps! I am Me, and i'm the only one for myself! And we shall always be!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Reflections n Revelations

I've realized, over time, emotions drive me! every bit of me! be it a happy thought or a sad one, it stimulates so much of thought and creative forces in me, that there  hardly been one instance when i've not posted something, after having felt an upsurge of emotions!

And while i agree they could make you vulnerable, but again having said that, it reminds me of something that someone once said, 'vulnerable na hole na, jiboner khaaj gulo thake na!' N for whatever it takes, those crevices are things that i value the most! above all else...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

And they called it Pain

They watch, they smile
A wry smile, but all the same
A point in time,
Where the clocks stop ticking,
The sun and the moon
No longer vie for the same sky
A soft breeze or a violent wind
None does enough damage
For better or worse, they already have.
A laugh, a cry,
A penetrating yet shallow sigh
"Can you hear me? Can you hear me please?"
Alas!
I've turned deaf ears to the voice years back!


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Those...

Expectations, 'sticky lizards' like a friend had called them, and rightly so...Come to think of it you are not totally in control of those..or are you?
Do you voluntarily drop your guards off and allow people access that you may even develop expectations of them? Or is that a more organic process, and i'm only making it sound way too sinister and organized. Am not sure. Either way its not a good thing!
But as much as we argue, do we ever stop having expectations? Am sure even if me and my mother have not spoken to each other for weeks she has the same expectations out of me, the last time we did! Friends, partners, parents, siblings...is anyone spared? Don't think so...

Then why is something that so naturally occurs to each one of us, such a restraint...I wish we were all free from any of this mental bondage!
I wish Eve had  never eaten that apple!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

To life!


President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates.
The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I have endured at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and convince myself that I am at the world’s largest Gryffindor reunion.
Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.
You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step to self improvement.
Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that have expired between that day and this.
I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.
These may seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.
Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.
I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that would never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension. I know that the irony strikes with the force of a cartoon anvil, now.
So they hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.
I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all the subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.
I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.
What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.
At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.
I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.
However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown.
Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.
Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea then how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.
So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.
Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.
The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.
So given a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.
Now you might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I personally will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.
One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working at the African research department at Amnesty International’s headquarters in London.
There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.
Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to speak against their governments. Visitors to our offices included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had left behind.
I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him back to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.
And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just had to give him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.
Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.
Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard, and read.
And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.
Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.
Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s places.
Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.
And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.
I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.
What is more, those who choose not to empathise enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.
One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.
That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.
But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.
If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped change. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.
I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, people who have been kind enough not to sue me when I took their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.
So today, I wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:
As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.
I wish you all very good lives.
Thank-you very much.
-JK Rowling's Speech at Havard

An ode to a great man


Here's to the crazy ones...the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.

RIP Steve Jobs. You were a great man and a greater inspiration!


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Lights Off


Five in the morning, you know we couldn't sleep. Might be inspiration but it's been this way for weeks. And weeks. And weeks. And weeks. And weeks. Do us all a favor: admit thy defeat through the back of the head. Through the back of the head. Through the back of the head. Through the back of the head. And maybe we'll sleep wit the lights off. Bring me a glass of water. It must be good and clean. I'll chug it with the dosage that I'm not to exceed. And leave the hat on the bed. Leave the hat on the bed. Leave the hat on the bed. Leave the hat on the bed. And maybe we'll sleep with lights off. Turn out the lights. Just hold me tight. Sleep through the night, could you, with me?
~ The Dears

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Spoken like a True Bengali...Pujo ashche! :D

It's that time of the year again...you just smell the air and you know, 'pujo' is just around the corner...and my lady love, my land, is all decked up to welcome her daughter back.
The streets are all lit up, there  is a sudden influx of traffic everywhere, you cross a street and you suddenly smell 'siuli phool',  the mayhem on the roads gets too much to handle, the marketplaces are just impenetrable; but in all of that, there is something..an air of celebration, an air of grandeur at its best...


There is something about the 'pujo' for us Bengalis...and you don't have to be a Bengali to be able to tell that. All you have to do is be in Bengal at this time of the year. The celebratory mood that the whole city seems to have indulged in all of a sudden is infectious and will certainly take you by surprise if its your first 'pujo' in the city. And all this while you thought Kolkata was this slow, sluggish city so far from its distant cousin that never sleeps. During these five days its hard to tell a Calcutta from a New York, or from Times Square for that matter.
While the Hindu Goddess Durga, is the protagonist of the story, 'pujo' is so much more than just religion here. The city completely envelopes itself in merrymaking and laughter and the joy of celebration, forgetting all its woes and worries. The essence of 'pujo' is the passion that comes alive in us Bengalis.These five days are all about the love of life, of culture, of the art of expression, of the joy of celebration, of the joy of togetherness. Nowhere else in the world will the first sounds of 'dhak' give you goosebumps and leave you with a smile or the sheer fact that an idol is being submerged in the water will bring tears to your eyes, knowing full well that this whole episode will repeat itself in another year from then.
While 'ma durga' manifests her presence in our homes and hearts, even the smallest of the 'paras' vie each other for the best pandals. Curfews at home relax, parents suddenly become way cooler about you being seen with your partner, you suddenly bump into people you most certainly did not want to see, roads are blocked dead with people and cars and loud music blares from the pandals but no-one seems to mind! Its 'Durga pujo' after all...


Nothing, and absolutely nothing can keep the spirits of the people low for these five days. Pandal hopping in sarees, the anjali on the ashtami morning, the 'dhunochi naach', the 'sindur khela', the 'bhang' on dashami evening, young couples celebrating the first season of their 'pujo' together while hoping for many more to come, the continual sound of the 'saakh' , the streets suddenly have turned into an unending foray of food-stalls with exotic street food, further adding to the commotion, and everything else is that would have bothered you at any other time only add to the air of joy and merrymaking. Dressed in the best of clothes the warmth of the people is just unmissable at this time. It is a time for friendship, it is a time for family, it is a time for kinship and love..It is a time of Celebrations!


I've spent another 'pujo' in another city...at  Mumbai. However, sadly, the heart of the country's commercial capital, lacks a heart even at these times. Afterall I would never trade an air-conditioned pandal, for all the commotion on the streets of Kolkata. And for someone who has seen the 'durga ppujo' being celebrated in the living room of her own house, with a grandiose idol, a soul-less 'pujo' is no 'pujo' at all!
Having stayed away from the restlessness of the city for these five days, the last year, I for one know how good it feels to be back to spend another 'pujo' here. I've missed this and this time am really looking forward..

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

And the circle goes on...


Life in all its complexities, in all its disappointments, in all its laughter and smiles as well as in all its achievements holds a balance, and in it lays a charm of its own. We win some, we lose some, but eventually it always balances each other out. Today yet again, in a conversation with a close friend i realized yet again how everyone’s life in one way or the other is intertwined. There is always someone in some corner of the earth in the same place that you were in someday. Some other pair of feet always fit into the shoes that you’ve outgrown at some point in Life. It is like watching the repeat telecasts of your favourite sitcom, with different characters each time. And each time though the story begins the same, it leads to a very different set of consequences, very different set of experiences, very different set of choices, which finally decide the outcome.
It is often through other’s experiences that you re-live your past and bring on nostalgia. Nostalgia for emotions you felt, emotions you could feel at one point and are sure you no longer will. The all it takes is the whiff of another someone living your life, x years ago... And there you go! Only this time you smile and say you know better and would have chosen more wisely. However what we forget to consider is taht if we’d not made those mistakes, taken those risks, chosen those less-travelled paths, today would be as good as yesterday. And we’d  have to start all over again!
Looking back, i d not cringe for a moment when i acknowledge that i’ve always not taken the best of decisions, not chosen the best of people, not done the ‘right’ things always, (actually mostly, for that matter), but that what makes me, Me. And am glad of the ‘me’ i am today.
And like another close friend says, the best we could do is to keep walking..the rest will fall into place!  J
It always does!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This thing called Life!



A distant sound
A broken shard of glass
A piece of blank paper
A drop of rain against the glass
Some cherished, some passed unnoticed
Some that rippled the surface,
Some broke the surf
Some that the wind echoed
Others merely gallantly rode away
Some were just thoughts
Others plain fortitude;
They came by and brought with them
A flavour each that would each last a season!
I fell, I rose...and the circle yet again
Claimed and maimed,
Ruined and restored
Stayed and then not:
Only each time it gave me
A lill more taste of what it is
To be living,
This thing called Life!

The Music Inside...



The music is all around you...
All you have to do is listen...

With these concluding lines, it touched a chord in me somewhere.
It has always struck a chord in me, come to think of it. Music. A form of relevance, a form of energy, that has always reached out to me in ways nothing else has ever been able to.
It has its own mysterious ways of speaking, of communicating. Tells you things, that you know are being whispered only to you.  It’s like the wind in the trees, the caress of a soft touch, the overcast yet blue sky, the sound of the waves, the calm of the mountains... all of this communicated to you in a few magical notes...and the interpretation is solely yours..
How much can be conveyed through its notes, through its existence, is something that’s immensely endearing; immensely attractive, if i may say so. All the more the creative energy channelled through it, the expanse of the energy it exudes; the expression it provides; all of that and only more. Sometimes like the swiftness of rapids, at others, merely soothing me through its very presence. The reaction i’ve had to various forms of music has always been very strong; some guitar solos, still make my toes curl, each time i listen to them...

I’ve never mastered the art.  Not that i’ve never wanted to. There have been pockets of time, when i’ve had strong urges to pursue learning music. I’ve just never pursued the urge;  Now, i guess i will...now that i’m a lill more sure about what i want to do professionally. When these urges happened, i guess there were more important things in my head that needed clearing up; gradually things are falling into place; they always do, don’t they?
Sometimes when i look back at my childhood and think that i’d learnt classical music for three whole years i smile..I also remember what my mother said when i was adamant to give it up; that i’d always regret not having a ‘special talent’ later in my life; I look back and smile upon that too. I regret not learning music, but not for the same reasons. My mother i guess, with all her best interests for me in mind, did not possibly have the right reasons for her want of me to learn music. That apart, the period when i was tried to learn music, i never did...i never enjoyed it, because it did not come from within me. It was somewhat enforced. It was someone else’s want; not my own.  What my mother should have probably figured out then is that i don’t do very well with enforced thoughts; she still hasn’t ...and i’m still hoping sometime in the near future she will;
 I needed more motivation, more reason than it just adding to my resume. I guess i have that now. My want; my appreciation for it; Strong enough that i’m writing about it! My muse has always been me...
 Sometime soon then... J

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wistful...


As the fallacies fail,
Only the emptiness remains
They silently call out to the rain.
As the downpour continues,
The memories wilfully flow through...
Not thinking, not wasting another precious minute
The clock strikes yet another hour
It erodes a lill more of me, a lill more of us;
Love, lust, pain and glory
Strangely, they all belong together, in the same old story
The story has long been told before
Only time will tell, what part has been played out
And how much still remains

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

In Faith or Fate...

Its been a while since i found something inspiring enough, that it urged me to sit down and write and i’ve missed that feeling!...I just watched the movie ‘Serendipity’- what they call a happy or a fortunate accident. Co-incidentally it fell into place with a set of thoughts i’ve been fondling with in my mind for a while now...Serendipity for sure!!

If i close my eyes for a while and think about all the people i’ve known or met, everyone has come back with very strange consequences in my life. Wait...strange is perhaps the wrong word here. Very different consequences in my life, is better put, than i would have imagined them! Friends, parents, partners etc...none are where i thought they’d be, and maybe in twenty years, or even five years from now, they again will not be, where standing here i think they will. That gets me wondering, and worried too...Do we have control over what we do, who we meet, who we make friends with and how our life shapes out...or do things just fall into place by some supernatural order? To sound more cliché, as Shakespeare put it are we just actors on the world stage just playing our parts in a grand play, or are we really the directors who are playing the parts and deciding the course  of the play at the same time? Are we just pawns in a much larger order of things or are we playing the game too? Is it about the choices we make or about those that we don’t?

While Sarah and Jonathan from the movie found their own ways to tweak their destinies, did they have absolutely no role to play in it...I cant help thinking, if they’d taken more  initiative the first time they’d met, years before Jonathan and Sarah decided to come back and look for each other just before very crucial steps in their individual lives, wouldn’t they have spared their own lives, and taht of a few others a lot of drama and perhaps pain too? Well, if taht’d happened we would definitely have missed out on an inspiring watch but what about life?  While a certain Sarah, did find her Jonathan, years after they met on a fateful evening, what about the Halley who lost her Jonathan. Is it designed that way, that in one’s happiness, inevitably lies another’s pain.. I am just thinking out aloud if what Sarah’s friend said to her that Life isn’t some elaborate stage-play with directions, that all a part of a master plan, some larger picture; Life’s a mess , its chaos personified. If that is true, then it is we who add or subtract from that mess.Like i said i cannot help but wonder what if Sarah and Jonathan had not played hide-and-seek with the Fates and instead taken charge. Would we have had just another depressing cinematic experience of how ‘Life just happens’ inspite of your plans?

Strangely, as i’m keying down these confused threads of thoughts, my play list decided to play a track for me that says ‘we must be the change we want to see, if this is to become reality...Only you can get your fire started...only you can keep it burning...”Maybe that is a sign; or maybe its just another plain co-incidence. But then again we have another school of thought that says all co-incidences are a kind of sign. But am i looking for signs at all? I am at a point in my life where i am about to take a major decision that is going to personally and professionally affect me in several ways. If i am to vote in favour of the decision i would be sitting up and taking charge.  I do not know, if am acting on impulse, but a part of me strongly wants to take charge. I have my own inhibitions too, like everyone else. And am trying to overcome them...I am at crossroads again... I’ll guess i’ll let  ‘life happen’....

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Stories Untold



The rain, the clouds, the downcast sky
The gaze, the look, the mist in your eyes,
That, and all other natural calamities...
Stop to whisper, to their soul-mates
The woes of the vows,
The pain clouded in the rain
They whispered the stories of love and laughter
Of valleys and hills far beyond
Of roads not taken, of scores not kept
Of the old and the new, of the plentiful and of the few
As the lull before the storm passed
A calm consumed, the wholeness still
Your eyes dint move, neither did your soul
Left behind were only the stories untold...

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Ummm... :)

I like the  way my page looks to me..with the bamboo in the background...
:)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

As begins a new chapter

Well, change as they say is inevitable..and change as they say is the only thing thats constant! It always fucking keeps changing!
And its time again. For change. As is about to begin a completely new chapter, with a completely new setup, i cannot say i'm not apprehensive. It would be unfair to say that am not looking forward either. This strange mix of confusion, apprehension and excitement almost sends a thrill down my spine; almost, a chill too, at times.
However with time, i think i have come to realize that, i somehow thrive on this sense of unknown..The new fascinates me...mostly :) Monotony is not my cup of tea. Not that it hasn't gotten me into trouble but it has taught me to be who i am today! I'm grateful.

Kolkata still continues to be an attachment in her own way...yet again; She always had her ways of making sure that however much the distance maybe, i came back home, right to her! Each time, different reasons maybe :)

I'm set to move to another new city, tomorrow; technically today! In less than 15 hours now..

I wish me good luck.. We shall keep walking...
:)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

'Sex and the City' gone wrong, right and haywire!!!

This is just what i needed! Siggghhhh....
Well, after a very uncomfortable discussion with someone who at one point had held a whole lot of emotion and importance in your life, u would think it is the right time to indulge yourself into an episode of 'Sex and the City...Four single women reassuring each other they were incredible all by themselves, and thats all they needed! Well seems like it wasn't all that i needed, for once. Well the episode talked about all things i dint want to hear about, at least from Sex and the City..Souls, and mates and all that jazz (well the next episode had a jazz musician too).
All that conversation about between independent, strong, successful women about one person who makes your life worth its while, another prince charming story...Well for once, i dint want to hear that story of happily ever after and Prince Charmings on their snow white horses. Anyway, hence the second episode followed. I took a break from my desire to pen (in this case key) down my feelings and indulged myself in the second episode. Well now, this was about boundaries, non-boundaries, defining and non-defining relationships...
Did i need that? This i cant quite be sure about...

Well, Carrie once wisely says Eskimos had a hundred words for Ice...we from Ice-age have come up with about a hundred thousand different terms for relationships. Each have their own boundaries, non-boundaries, each has a definition of its own, each has an essence and a KRA (key responsibility areas!!) of its own. Sometimes, on a street that u've walked down so often, in coffee shops that you have frequented, in restaurants u've eaten, at clubs u've partied, in those alleys u know so well, this need for label corners you, almost encumbers you. Mostly i've seen the need and mostly i've wanted them...but mostly they've brought too much baggage with them.

Hence like Carrie says, 'Maybe, it is one relationship, that defines another!'

The lost and never found..



This feeling i recognize so well
Or maybe not at all
Buries its claws deep inside
Stifling me, looking for a release


With blurred vision i try  to find
Things that were vague then, are  vague now...
A lill voice screams somewhere
'Girl you ought to wear shoes this time'


I walk, I dance, I sing, I romance
I feel, I don't, I know, I wont
The  love, the vengeance
The love, the lover, the profound.


It comes and goes
The hat blowing away the wind
Or the other way 'round
I sit by the windowsill, watching...
the  sundown


The search never lasts
Of the lost and never found
It comes and goes,and goes again
It only severs, never turns around
Incessantly on it goes...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Wants...

I was reading something the other day, and another day, and another day...when this realization dawned upon me, of how much we crave that we dont have...or perhaps never will...Knowing full well that wanting it, does not make things better or worse; they would just bring upon a whirlwind of change in your life. Some that you'd probably welcome, some taht you wont...
It got me wondering, taht if it is so, then after a point in our lives, after certain experiences in our lives, are we more careful about what we want to want...or does that innane raw desire remain the same? The only difference being that we probably learn to curb the expression of the want better, for the fear of heartbreak?
Or is it that we just become wiser and learn to chose our wants differently? Do we really control our wants or is it the other way round?
Just wondering...

Sometimes a strong desire to want what i want takes over.Thats when i take a deep breath and tell myself i know better....


Diamonds and Rust...

I'll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall

As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin's eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years ago
I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell
Would keep you unharmed

Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there

Now you're telling me
You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It's all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid 



~ Joan Baez

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happily Ever After...


Yesterday, Patrick Dempsey and a chirpy, not-so-good-looking Hollywood actress Amy Adams urged me to believe that the so often heard of ‘happily ever after’ existed, very much so....we only have to find our respective prince/princess charming(s); While they tried to the best of their abilities to make the fairy tale look seemingly real, it got me thinking.

Is there really ever a ‘happily ever after’ or is there just an ‘ever after’...Movies, fairy tales, the moonlight sonata, the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, forever and ever after, eternal love etc..all the enchanted concepts of the enchanted world tempt us, rather lead us to believe that the concept of ‘happily ever after’ not only exists, but thrives amongst us, happily ever after; they talk of love that never died, of happiness that never ceased, of bonds that people never grew over or out of, of hands that were held together forever and ever, of ten years of separation at the end of which your sweetheart waited for you as pristine as you left them...

I began thinking, recalling, of all those I knew, of all those I know, of all those I have known, looking for that ‘happily ever after’...Somehow the enchanted fairy tale, seems to be a very elusive concept in real life. I’ve known people who’ve been with their prince charming for years, only before taking waking up to reality and finding that prince charming was an illusion as elusive as their reality...People have been married, but unhappily ever after...People have sworn love and fidelity to each other only to realize after a few months of ‘loving’ each other that the sight of the other person is a sore to the eyes!

What if ‘happily ever after' is only a concept that has been so romanticized by movies, fairy tales just to appeal to our fancy and increase one’s cost price. In reality does a happily ever after exist? Is it prince charming that we are looking for or is it the next best thing that comes along, who we mould into our image of the prince charming... Then does this concept, so fantasized by us, does this exist at all? Or is it that we have built so much of expectations that even if happily ever after stared us right into our faces we’d fail to recognize it; or better still we’d freak out with the idea altogether. I sometimes think that we set so much by our prince charming that poor prince charming turns into a toad with trying to deal with all the pressure. Poor lill prince charming...
Well, after a point in life, I guess so many complications serve our existence that the thought of an ‘happily ever after’ is as enticing as that pair of red shoes that look oh-so-pretty from the display window, but somehow it’s just not the right fit!! You can never find the right size!

But well then a friend said, ‘It's the idea of Utopia that’s enticing’! So till I find my ‘happily ever after’, I’ll keep looking...

Friday, April 15, 2011

The roads...endless..seamless...


A dark highway...specks of light indicating human inhabitation in the distant, deep valleys.  Kurt Kobain softly playing in my ears.  And finally Silence, a respite from the constant honking that characterise every city, and Bombay, so much more; am smiling...
Travelling has somehow always done it for me.  And all the more travelling alone...it always makes me smile. My soul finds expression through it...
Travelling through the silence..through unknown roads, to destinations never explored before, through those hidden valleys..every bit of it! I find every bit of wilderness calling out to me, welcoming me , with its warm or chilled embrace. But its warm all the same. Somehow, with the wind through my hair, my heart jumps with joy. The solitude restores the bits of me that the cacophony had eroded. Travelling somewhere, anywhere, somehow manages to put together the misplaced pieces and complete the image...
The roads are where my heart lies, and hence like a friend says.. I’ll keep walking...
:)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Breathing...


Breathing...

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.


~ Anna Nalick

Thursday, March 31, 2011

A year ago, as one journey ended...


My Farewell Mail...

From: Aishwarya Guha
Sent: Wednesday, June 23, 2010 8:31 PM
Subject: Bidding farewell

Hi,

Saying goodbye has never been one of the easiest things to do. Strangely,inspite of repeatedly being called garrulous, for once I am at a loss of words. The last three and a half years of my association with Wipro, has in a lot of ways defined the way I am now. And looking at myself, I am pretty glad about the person I have turned out to be at 21 J Having started of as an associate with Winstream, who wouldn’t think twice before sitting up on the desk while taking calls, so that she could be a lill warmer on a cold winter evening, to becoming a someone who could be counted on to handle 25 people, locked inside a room,( I remember the first time I met Rajesh Sir, before I started training with BT, he asked me, “are u sure you’ll be able to handle a class of 25 trainees?” )on her own, means a lot to me.As I look back a lot of you stand out as people who in your each lill way, touched my life and made my stay one that I would recall and smile.

My Windstream team (to the very few of you left) : Riddhi, Ranada, Sumit Sir, Gaurav Siru, Anirbanda,  Amrish Sir, Gulzar, Bibekda, Rajorshida, Punit, Ipsita – I grew up from a regular college-going kid to a responsible employee under your guidance. The transition was huge – thank you for making it so easy and smooth for me.

The BT team : Zoe, Elvis, Ravi, Romil, Rajeev, Priya,Dipsy,Sanchitadi, Debbie,Sumitadi,Sunny, Brijesh, Anandada– You guys were my very first peers in training and people I know I could count on with my eyes closed. I almost had a replica of a family there ;P Thank you for always being there.I have made some amazing friends amongst you all and  wherever I am I wish to hear only good news of all of you guys.

My Seniors: Rajesh Sir, Antara, Sudeshna, T, Adish,Deb, Dion,Nilanjan, Sajni,Vinay – I have nothing but gained from your association, not only in terms of knowledge (be it excel or T’s regular bickering about my terrible eating habits J) but also an amount of wisedom that I shall always prize. Thank you.

My peers: Som,Prabhjot, Anurag, Sarah, Carol, Anish, Sneha, Soma, Srirupa, Sreeparna, Judy,Tapopurna, Sayantani, Delphine,Sukanta, Sachin, Simon, Chris, Gregory, Suraksha, Anandarup, Sabby, Hillolda, Ravi,Lata, Rishav, Arijit, kaushikda, Alokadi - All of you have been wonderful peers; the reason i could look forward to coming to the TT bay or to the classroom each day. Thank you for being so supportive.I have known many of you personally and will carry only fond memories of you. Wish you good luck in whatever you pursue.

To friends that I made on the way: Kanad, Mota, Saikat, Krish, Ranajoyda, Praddy, Sukirti, Parul, Milind, Abhishek,Anupam : You guys were the reason I could stand Chennai, the few months that I was there.I would have perished in the effort otherwise J In the midst of all the tamil-ness your company was what kept me going :D

Olive, Tj, Simrat, Ps n Bs – I am not saying a goodbye to you at all. I will look up a few good places in Bombay, where we can party :P


As I am about to leave, I know I am leaving a lot behind, but all the same I am taking a lot with me too. Hope you all do really well in life. You can always write to me at aishwarya.moon@gmail.com and say nice things about/to me… and of course being the Facebook addict that I am, I’ll catch up with you there :P
Have a good one J


Cheers,
Aishwarya

PS: The names are in no order whatsoever J