It's the same song playing

The same song | By Susheela Raman

How many roads have I wandered?

None, and each my own

Behind me the bridges have crumbled

No question of return

Autumn leaves like discarded dreams

trampled underneath a tide of careless feet

it's the same song playing

everywhere I go

it's like an army marching right through me.

Nowhere to go but the horizon

where, then, will I call my home?

Summer spent, in the high grass

or just fragments, ransacked memories

dark river snakes, across this murky hall

boatman sings his downstream melodies.

How many roads have I wondered?

None, and each my own

Behind me the bridges have crumbled

where, then, will I call my home?

Then, there was once when willows had wished

There come the mercenaries of Time
To salvage my forsaken self
From her own devious clutches
And take me back to the beginning of time

What was it like
When i couldn't see?
Blinded, blindfolded, lost to the sea
Was it nicer still,
Or was it simply another carcass of my dreams?

Life-like silence
Drowns the din within
Strangely today, there is no calm in that
Or perhaps not.
Neither is there the voice, begging to be heard

The puppet dance
A myriad of colors.
Like a frenzy of a glistening blur
They fade in and out
Sometimes they don't even try.

There was a time, time had stopped
Then, there was once when willows had wished
--lukewarm, fuzzy memories!
Stillness, eagerly seeking
validation that never came;
It's too late now
Not even the remnants remain.

Noh, you're unwelcome now!

An abject subject
A simultaneous object
Of desire
Of lust
Livened your senses, did it?
Those benign-ed hollows!

...
Merely chuckling, are you?
Be my guest, so am I


Lightheaded
That faint rush of reminiscing!
The cold inside blankets
The rush of blood
Then, the dead-end
I knew, you did
You knew I did too!


...

Chucking, now are you?
Noh, you're unwelcome now!

'Ugh'-ness, a way of life, ever since i've known it! :)

Foreword (they should really call it what it is - A Statutory Warning): Yayy! I'm back. With one of those 'ugh' feelings, hence coming up is another 'ugh' post!

But this time, (like most other times; again! ugh!) i'm not too sure, if this 'ugh' feeling, as it rises from deep within my guts, travels all the way through my oesophagus, sometimes stunningly passing on its 'ugh'-ness to my wind pipe (afterall, they're neighbours, and its stupid of me, not to expect some osmosis-reverse-osmosis; whatever!) and goes right upto my head, and happily tinkers around with feelings that had just begun to settle themselves in one cozy corner, is one of disgust/angst/ utter disgust/ plain simple distaste driven and motivated by someone else's doing, or by my own! But hell no, what is life without a lill bit (or a lot) of uncalled for, often self-created, self-indulgent drama?!
Now, that i've sufficiently laid my warning statements, i can guilelessly proceed, without any inklings of guilt whatsoever. (God knows why i'd be feeling guilty in the first place...this is afterall my blog, and if nothing else, i have every right to rant!)

Coming back to the 'ugh'-ness, after quite a while i spent a weekend being social. No, am not ugh-ing about that. I'm usually very particular about the company i keep, though i can make friends as easily as a chef can make good-tasting dal-chawal (and i judge the standards of 'good chef'-ness by Japps! i miss you much, Japps..as much for your stupid Surd-ness as for the brilliance with which you'd make the simplest food taste  out of this world). I'm good with people, but that does not necessarily equate to me liking them, infact quite the opposite most of the times. However, this weekend i choose to spend in company, mostly of women i like, or/and am prone to liking.About about 36 hours of sumptuous alcohol-food-tea-gossip later i realize that most of us are in similar, if not the same boats. From directionless, if not entirely pointless lives, aka, jobs (because that's mostly our lives in this city anyway), to beginning or ending or simply dealing with pointless relationships (for the better or worse or simply for the lack of a better word - fuck buddy just doesn't do it here..there are emotions involved, you see!), mostly trying to figure out why and how on earth did you land yourself in this mess, though you knew most of the time while you were at it, that you eventually would! (my best friend keeps saying that i love to prove her right- i can't help it! She has a black mouth! Bitch!), to being broke soon after paying your rent to live in glorified pigeonholes, to cribbing about the maid and her rancid self-proclaimed selflessness, bitching about women who have it easier than you, simply because they could do without the conscience-ethics bullshit that stayed back with you while common sense evaporated, to propping up pretty red Marilyn Monroe-d cushions to make the make-shift blank walls look closer to home, to justifying monogamy and all its  inherent troubles, to  watching mindless humour in an it-can-only-happen-in-an-Adam Sandler-movie  to take your mind off the constant turmoil, though sneakily checking various messaging forums on your phone in between, to check if you've got a message that you were/were not expecting, but wanted in your inbox all the same, thus defeating the whole purpose of the mindless-Adam Sandler movie ritual to finally discussing how much hair you're losing and what oil/stylist could help you in such plight!

Nevermind; the point that i'm trying to make here is that, almost all the thinking (if not rabindra-sangeet singing) women i've met and liked here share the same woes. That however, does not reduce the ugh-ness i feel, by one bit. Then what's the point you ask? That is the whole point. There isn't one! Did I not already warn you, that this was another of those pointless posts?

A few months ago, when i was innocuously trying to decide whether i should continue living in the shards of safety and security i had as Calcutta pitched against   the unfamiliarity and the goosebumps they inevitably bring, in the name of Bumbay, in hoping to catch a whisk of the ever-so-elusive Bumbay-spirit, a very close friend had remarked that she has a feeling that i'll be unhappy here. I managed to assuage her and myself that this time, since i already knew Bumbay was not merely about Marine Drive in the rain, (though the notion of that bit, is just as pretty as it sounds) i did not have much expectations from this city apart from an insane, hence sane professional life! My personal life could go for a toss, and there has never been a true-er saying than 'be careful what you wish for'. All having said and done, the-then me, who was also sort of trying to sort her personal life by not having one, kind of forgot about the nature of that particular element, i so well thought i had mastered - expectations as we usually call them, sticky lizards as some of us among my closest friends call them! They just jump upon you, at the most unprepared moments, take you by surprise and the worst part is once they've appeared they build a cosy nest exactly in those parts of your existence which you'd consciously and carefully lined with baygon spray! All the while jeering at you, for your utter naivety of having termed it as a no-strings relationship.

Now, the thing here is, newness is my thing! As opposed to change, as contradictory as it may sound. You'd know what i'm saying if you were me, but you're not, and thank your lucky stars for it. Another friend at a similar time told me that while I may be quirky, i'm perhaps looking for a home to base the quirk out of. And since home is another concept that has competed, and hell, competed well with the elusive nature of the afore mentioned Bumbay-spirit, i did not pay much heed to that, either! However, a few more emotional upheaveals  in an unfamiliar city later, i think i should have paid heed. And  no, that is not regret. Everything deserves a second chance, if not a third. This city needed to have its fair share too. It does now. Whenever, and wherever i go next, i will have known that i tried. And i did not fail...it was this illusion that failed me. Somethings are just not made for you, and the sooner you realize that, the better. Or simply, just realize that. That's good enough!

I do not know where am headed with this. But its been a while I've wanted the semblances of what i could call home. They say growing up is when you realize that you are you, and what you want may not be what you need, but what you need is often what you want. I guess i finally am looking for home. Heh! (by now i've deleted this line thrice and retyped it in different words each time, just to make it looks less conspicuous!). It takes a lot for me to say this. It does. Essentially because i've always been so happy being the nomad, scurrying, if not escaping from one fanciful mirage to another. Here's my toast to Darwinism!  Here's my toast to wanting a semblance of life, love, calm, solitude, and belonging, all the while feeding the wanderer with happiness! Here's my toast to me!

And till i find what i'm looking for i couldn't have myself put it better than the unfazed Bass himself -

"I'm fine. It's nothing that can't be fixed with a night of scotch and perhaps a rogue socialite"

Cheers! Happy Monday! 

insignificant, realy

Trains always make me introspective.

The ever-so-eager rhythm and the restlessly changing landscape, the pitch darkness outside, the smell of fresh air, especially when I stand by the door and smoke and let the wind run wild through my hair; all this, while life whizzes by like a constant blur.

I sometimes fancy living a small life. Possibly in the larger scheme of things, I already am. ‘An extra in the coffeshop window’ for the passerby; the passerby with a myriad of entangled stories, just like mine; only, in his universe I am merely a countenance-less face in the window his side vision registered for a brief second.

Nevertheless, in my fancy, I sometimes live a life, far more insignificant, by perhaps my own standards. A life, in a small hut by the train tracks, with that sole lantern lighting up the verandah at dusk, while I lay on my cot, and let the sound of the trains lull me to sleep. Maybe in that world, I wouldn't suffer from insomnia. I’d wake up to the sunrise, finish my daily chores and then while the rest of the day away, into the sunset, listening to ancient tales from yet more ancient grandfathers, all the time playing with pebbles and bringing some back even, to add to my ever growing, proud collection of knick-knacks.

 Maybe in that world, I’d smile back uninhibited, at smiling strangers, instead of tightening my grip around the can of pepper spray I don’t leave home without; maybe I’d trust people simply because I’ve never known otherwise, instead of continually looking for the minutest clue that would give away the catch; maybe the tiniest gesture of love, and its remnants, would make my day for months, years perhaps, instead of merely brewing bitterness at expectations having been dashed. Maybe, I’d also have the capacity to see black and white distinctly, and to tell them apart, instead of straining my eyes each time, to correctly identify the precise shade of grey. A world, where I’d not do anything remotely revolutionary, make no difference to the inane frenzy the world thrives in, have no self-acclaimed-earth-shattering revelation  about the general anguish of life and yet lead a content life.

A world where I’d not be expected to do any more than light up someone’s world, with a cup of tea and a smile. Their smile, in turn, would light up mine.

Maybe in that world I’d stop and look at every passing train, scourging out strangers waving to me from the train, in the midst of their destination-less journey and wave back to them. All the time, fervently wishing, their life was mine!

Existential,even

Estatic

Ludicrous.

Effervescent

Omnipresent, still

Brazen reality

sorely surreal

Fluttering thoughts

Nesting, resting

Killing time

Killing you

Perhaps sooner.

Cold and meandering

Scathed and scratched

A blur of colours

Blinded

By black light

Pause. Stay. Hurry

Tch!

Blisters.

They conspire with

Blemishless brevity.

Some others...

Some half built ruins

Some slated grains

Some unkempt stories,

Some others, that perished in the making

A delicate thread of tumult

Balancing the reigns, forgo

Threatening to relinquish the anchor

Ah! I’ve lost to the sea, eons ago.

Some caves unexplored

Some claim my attention still

Some I choose to trample over

Some lost battles I fight unyielding.

The Black Parts Need To Te Loved As Well

She said it, right after my own heart...


Selah Sue - Black Part Love!

You're freezed and I tried to make you,
You're freezed and I tried to make you warm, cause you always got what it takes to act like you are some kind of hard-ass
But I know better than that, I know you way to long,

You see I know 'bout your background,
It wasn't easy I know for sure,
But that's no reason to crack
It's in the ( unknown word ) to let it go,
Be who you are now, who you're supposed to be,

Now listen girl, learn how to love your self again,
And then just fly out girl, cause you are worth it, oh..

You fell and I tried to get you,
You fell and I tried to get you up,
cause when things don't work out " Oh, no!"
You shut yourself up let it all just drop,
But that's not the way it works,
That is not the way it works,

And I know that it's easy, it's easy to hurt yourself,
but then you must realize, the black parts need to be loved as well, oh yeah
The black parts need to be loved as well,

Listen girl, do you understand what I'm saying?
I know that one day you will get there,
One day, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Listen girl, listen girl, oh oh yeah..
Listen girl, listen girl, oh oh yeah..

You better find your love, you better go insane, find your love and find your way!!!
I know you're on the run, I know you watched it
This is all I got to say, this is all I got to say, say, say, say!
I know one day, I know one day, I know one day, I know that one day you'll get there, yeah, yeah,
but I know that one day you will get there, one day, yeah yeah

Now listen girl, learn how to love your self again,
And then just fly out girl, cause you are worth it, you're worth it!!

;)

'...Because we've shared some laughs together'

Through the looking glass

'plus les choses changent, plus elles restent les mêmes'

They say, the more things change, the more they remain the same.

Strange, are the ways of life. Stranger, is the fact that, i came across this phrase today, when less than another sunrise-sunset cycle ago, i was chuckling at how almost everything goes on and around, in one huge, inevitable circle, like the ancient Ouroborus, who forever, kept chasing his tail. And all the while you deludedly think, you have changed; and hence things around you have changed simultaneously, much credit to the laws of nature/physics/history, whichever appeals to your palette. One large circle, that you think, you have shaped, if not designed, and redesigned often, while Life, patiently hopes that someday, you will wake up and realize that while you were very much in control, hardly anything has changed, and that's precisely why. It is the same pattern, drawn over and over again, through different axes, through varying dimensions, masked in enticing colors, fooling you into seeing shapes, but essentially, in its naked best, just that; the same circle. A kaleidoscope, yes...but just some broken shards of colored glass.
Maybe, you were looking through the looking glass. Maybe, you only saw your reflection.

And patterns, i've grown to dislike. Whether they be mine, or they belong to someone else. Or whether they belong to me and someone else... especially  that, also.
I sometimes, fancy myself and question why. An answer, though, doesn't quite come by. Somewhere, i know the answer though, though, not yet, not as yet. It is usually, a me who stares back, or maybe, just maybe, that is what i have chosen to see. Sometimes, i acknowledge, i have looked away. 

Someone once told me, between two devils, choose the one that you never have before!

Some, though, never wake up from this slumber of seeming control. Sometimes, i really envy them, because they will have never known how foolish you feel in hindsight; at some other more self indulgent times, i pity them too. It sure does feel a stronger woman, to have faced it, confronted it even, but then again, i've always played the 'Superwoman'. So much so, that i have, almost, become one. But then, a superhero, without as much superpower, is only, an anomaly. And as I battle a seemingly different situation, with a seemingly different me, each time, I find an insignificant relic of an older me, each time. I wonder then, through various cities, various jobs, various houses, various men, various friends, various mistakes, various situations, various people, that i have encountered, masked and unmasked, lived and loved, and not, is it still the same things i will choose every time. A more evolved me emerges each time, as it should. Yet, then too, it still is the kaleidoscope, seen from a different angle this time. And, what an enticing color you see, at each of these fanciful times! heh!

You always go back to the same  you. The same habits, the same patters, the same relics. When Life decides to take all your plans and toss them up in one huge pan, spice them up, sauce them up, garnish and give you a new dish altogether, you'd hardly try to use chopsticks, if you were me! 

Between the ravages of life and your own indulgent self, there is, constantly a battle that is waiting to be won. Again, perhaps, it is only a self imposed battle. To feel a little more significant, or to slip under the easy cover of anonymity; both and none, sometimes together. As i shift from one city to another, from one make-shift house to another make-shift wardrobe, i sometimes cannot help but wonder if i will ever find home, or if i will ever 'stay long enough to make it'! Then, at the next moment, i only laugh at my own follies, as i did now. What exactly, is it that i want?
No, don't bother answering that! I never did.


...

Quirks; eccentricities.

This, that,
every now and then
the flash of a blink
every now and then

Some stay
some just pass you by
some stand and watch
while you hold its glare

Sometimes calm
restlessly still
rigid even;
teh this and then teh that!

Quirks; eccentricities.
Sometimes they manifest themselves stronger than at some other times. I'm a woman, i can blame it on hormones, at most times. Irrespective. Often, most often, they remain reason-less; just quirks.


PS: my third cup of the early morning (read, continuation of previous night) lebu cha tastes warm and delicious. On a rainy morning, or a night; who knows!

Afterall, the stories have been told before...

Stories. They are of all kinds. Some finish with a ‘The End’, some others with a ‘happily ever after’. Some others, fade away, some into oblivion, even. While some others, have peaks, of extremes. And at one such extreme, where you never expected them to, they suddenly, abruptly, come to a close. Some others, stare at you, in your face, while you’re too busy turning pages, and then, one bright morning, are over, just like that; just when you started noticing the crisp beginnings. Some others you thought wouldn’t make a good read at all; yet they turned out to be some of the most captivating chapters you came across. 

Yet some others, never ended... because you never gave them a closure. You, particularly, did not give them a closure, or a beginning, for that matter.  As you watched them bloom from a birds eye view, you knew, all the while that they wouldn't have one. Yet, you, silly you, wanted it, all of it; a beginning , a body, a closure even, if it came to that;  wanted it with all your heart, sometimes, so clandestinely that you did not open it upto anyone but to the most imperceptible recesses of yourself. There, where you affectionately stored all those silly anecdotes, those that you did not tell, only smiled at, like a mother does at her naughty kid, when no one is looking. And all the  while, you acted wise. To you, and to everyone around you.  Perhaps, because that was the only way to preserve the charm. Perhaps, because that was the charm about them. Pristine, yet so decrepit. White, yet so grey!

PS: Eccentricities! Once! 

Later, disappear.

Essentials. Bare essentials

You, me.

A lill scattered here,

A lill brimming there...

Captured,

Escaped still!

A  twinkle of a star

Far away,

Momentary. Tempestous.

Uncanny still.

Unreliable, at best!

Omnipresent.

Spark. A fire.

Light a lamp,

Shadows, the sign of life.

Ever flickering!

Keep still. 

Later, disappear.

...

De-toxing

One of those times, when the duality of the necessity and the simultaneous futility of your own existentialism weighs down upon your heart...the kinds that wrenches your heart...Yes, so this is yet another one of those posts from the lower rungs of levelheadedness...

So yet again i've some questions, that i need to throw up into the void, not particularly in the hope of attracting an answer...but because they become toxic if they stay inside for too long. 

Hence yet again, I wonder why it is always elusive concepts that we want to, and hence try to capture. Tch! The very basic follies of human nature! What you cant have is always what you want, inspite of your better judgement and better knowledge.Happiness for instance - sometime the whole conscious effort to look for happiness defeats the whole purpose.

What makes me happy? The rain does, i know...so does the sound of the sea...and the soundlessness of the hills..

A dear friend and me, have had this discussion often...'dukhobilashita' she calls it..i love how the word sounds...the sound of melancholy...:) At those times, we are left questioning yet again, the meaning and implications of several intricacies of life, and the drama they inherently unfold in each of our lives, differently, yet so alike. That is when we play old songs, rummage through memories and end up talking about the futility of the reminiscing... yet the indulgence, is very endearing.

These are times when i have specifically selected a set of songs to be on the loop, and each of those makes my shoulders droop and my eyes brim.. the necessity and the inherent futility, making so much more sense then! 

But at these times, at these strange hours, as shadows cast their shadows in my mind, creating an indistinct shape here, another familiar one there, i cant help but wonder. What is it that we are actually looking for...love, money, peace, satisfaction, God-likeness? What is it? What do each of them really even mean? One who has been there, will hardly be able to explain and one who hasn't will hardly be able to comprehend. So the point is lost in trying to make it altogether. I often wonder that perhaps in seeking happiness we drive her further away, shirking away in the corner, where she stays put, till suddenly at a very opportune moment, she catches you unawares and lights up your heart. And sadly, then in the blink of an eye she disappears, leaving a sweet-bitter taste in your mouth..

I see some among us, play along, play along with life... and how it gladdens my heart to see the ease and the warmth with with they accept and embrace life.Whatever it brings, without questioning. How i sometimes wish i were one of them. One story has to end, for another to begin and then that too will end to make way for yet another. Yet again, you will go through an upheveal of emotions and yet again tides will rise and ebb, till they move on to another coast... then, you too will move on to yet another coast for yet another capsule of time..lap up the warmth of experience and yet again wander off..

Yet, the effort seems so much...

Sometimes i give a thought to how much i indulge myself..my wants have always taken precedence over my needs, sometimes even over my common sense. If you dont crave something, you will hardy ever enjoy it when you have it..and hence I've never been someone who has denied herself access to her wants...if it has been anywhere within my reach, i have usually reached out to it..sometimes, even inspite my better knowledge. At these times the feeble voice of the sensible woman trying to make herself heard has mostly been ignored. For an idealist, romantic, practicality has hardly ever held any attractions. Unfortunately, but, the ease of non-attachment has always eluded me. I've always had a favourite book, that i've carried with me, wherever i've gone. I've always had a best friend. I've always had that nightsuit i cant do without. This however seems foolish when you know that someday your nightsuit will become unuseable, a different book will become your favourite, leaving behind the faint fragrance of memories.

Distractions help. Bum-bay in that respect is a blessing. There'll be a dearth of the lack of distractions if you choose wisely, and hardly the other way around. I've been back here almost a month now and i've been breaking habits. I've always had the knack for things at their face value. They say, that even the foolish-est of us, learn with time and experience..

Nevertheless, this time the city has been far kinder to me..maybe its just the lull before the storm, maybe its compensating for the last time..who knows..i'm sure the answers will come to me...with time and experience...One thing though that has not much changed about this city is that it still is a very lonely city..i miss a particular warmth in the air that Calcutta always wore as a shawl. Inspite of being the most populated city in the country, with people and hence illegit constructions popping up their innocent heads from every corner, the city leaves you feeling very alone ...Then too people help, unless you have already found home. Home, again, has always eluded me, though i've never lacked a place to rest my head. I've been looking for those niches here that you need to have in every place, those where contentment is inevitable...some i've found, some i still am to... time and experience yet again..

These are times when you know the airbubbles will burst. Yet you put so much effort into making each..you want them to be beautiful till such time they pop and nothing remains. And all the while you have known they would. Afterall amidst pine trees, they never would have lasted. Made a pretty picture..absolutely, but of course you knew, they would burst. Some of them even before they were fully formed. Why then inspite of the wisdom, does the heart look for that something that your mind already has some ten very good reasons not to have? Then why the craving for chocolate, when its only gonna make u fat! At these times, this blog is my dearest friend; this and the other. Usually then, i try and disappear far far away from all the persons i know. I resort to all the 'people' in my life instead... Ambivalence and the people who stand for it. De-toxing! Some among them, again, if you have chosen wisely, become persons too. Rarely though.

Not that i do not reach out to those closest to me, but those are mostly the need for attention and validation. And more often than not, a phase that leads upto this one. Attachment, and the expectations that follow are of desire that grew out of one of the solemn, hardly noticed nodes. Its time i gave the whole tree a proper pruning! Somethings are just not meant to be, and they wont. Some others, even if they were meant to be, wont. Because you live in a world that is as real as it gets. There are accidents, heartbreaks, heartaches, losses, failures...n then u get up and run again. In midst of the rat race, if you see another fragile image somewhere, you strain to keep your eyes off.. Your cozy cover of the land of happiness, where in the midst of Neverland you actually hold the dreams of forever still breathing in the fragrance of freshness, will remain, just that. Your Cozy Cover!..the one you could slip into at your own will, however it is also the one that never made any promises of reality. You just played along, in search of the land of the hills, while the mirage kept shifting further and further away...

And yet again my music player chooses to play 'Annie's song'...well, i think i'll put this on the loop now..

Have you ever wished you lived the song? 

One of those afternoons

Its one of those afternoons..one of those rare ones, when the implications of the passage of time, hardly mean anything. You could lie in your skin, fuelling scattered thoughts in your mind, and smile for no reason. You are a content you.

I've missed these afternoons for a while, where you're smug and satisfied...you romanticize the songs, sit and soak in the serenity of this peasant afternoon, from the recesses of your dark house. Write a word here, another one somewhere there! Hog on some pizza in a way that would make a pig look like it had cultivated refined table manners.

One of those afternoons that you had forgotten to catch upon while walking.
Every now and then you should get off the road, stop at the side-walk and have a smoke. And enjoy it. Catch up with yourself before you yet again, take the road and keep walking!
One of those afternoons..

Habits and the likes of them!

Most things that you have grown a sense of familiarity with, eventually change, be it for the better or worse. Along the way they expect you to get accustomed to it. If not, simply accept it. Eventually you will get comfortable with the change and wham! before you know it, you are faced with yet another paradigm shift, yet again! However, as is the irony of existence, there are certain things you do want to change. And they are the ones that seem to stick with you. For the sake of making it sound better we call them 'habits'.. and for the sake of those of us, who make excessive use (read misuse) of the habit of habit, we add an adjective and call them bad habits. And pledge to get rid of them. At least try to. Or to the very least we want to. Or so we say!

Most 'bad habits' however, seem to give 'change' a tough time. The only adversary perhaps that has actually challenged change and more often than not, won! For once its mighty manoeuvres fail to imperceptibly spread its shrouded wings and catch your now-almost-second-nature unawares. This is the other end of the spectrum infact, where you  actually have to strive, to even bring about a minute change. And once you are caught offguard, wham! ur habit-friend stares right back at you, even smiles...the impish, crooked one. 'I told u, all that effort was futile'!

We usually find it so difficult to embrace change, as we know it, precisely for that reason. Because we don't know what we will chance upon. After all, no one likes being thrown out of their comfort zones, to be faced with a new idea of survival altogether. Even if you don't like what you have now, at least you know. And knowing can be a very very cozy feeling. And i say that inspite of myself. Inspite of my almost uncanny knack for newness. Familiarity can still be very comforting.

Hence we keep reverting to our habits. Good, bad, ugly...all of them. I've seen a lot of relationships hold through for a few years longer, before they actually crumpled to dust, simply because two people had become a habit to each other. Now that's not a bad thing as long as there are more reasons. However, when the habit is the only reason, that's when the alarm bells start sounding...and i have witnessed them wreck havoc in many a people's lives. Its mostly because you know what you are coming home to. Most not-so-happy marriages have stuck through because of the same warm-cozy familiarity. Even if you came home to the most insinuating fight, you still came back home as you had known it, when you left. People have stayed on with the same job, in the same city, in the same house for the very same reason, inspite of all odds! As much as i like newness and the thrills of not knowing that it brings as perks, i still can relate and somewhere perhaps crave that familiarity too. And have mostly held on to it, till it has gotten the better of me! And it mostly has...

Like a friend says, those of us who have chosen the open roads over the comforts of homemade waffles, hardly have the luxury of settling in.

Sometimes, when i sit back and think, i'm amazed at how much we put up with because its simply simpler that way. Than to acknowledge change; and worse still embrace it. As a child i remember i'd be surprised how my parents would complain about the potholes, yet take the same road to work everyday. The road not taken' was afterall, just that! We complain and yet grudgingly go back to what we know we will complain about. A bad job, a sour relationship, a leaking house, unkind friends, pot-holed roads, shitty governments, all of it. It took 35 years for India's once-upon-a-time most intelligent and politically active state to figure out that authority needed to change hands. Not that it did much good, but that's another story altogether! And with all the hullabo that we do about wanting a better life you'd have thought we'd know better. We are  perhaps the only of God's creations that resist change so badly. All other creatures of Nature, are far more in tune with the idea, that God's most intelligent creation inevitably strives to shove into the attic, behind closed doors, and then put heavier boulders against it...lest it come out!
Afterall, denial, has always been an intelligent concept!

I've put up with bitten-unshaped nails for as long as i can remember. Its only today that i put nail-paint back on again. Just so that i stop!

The post that i want to come back to...

25th March 2012
As yet another journey began...

Everyone has a story, however long or short or simple or twisted it is each of us has a story. And the story changes with each moment we live, with each new life we embrace, with each decision we make. And while the road not taken is as alluring as you can imagine it, you would never know. Yes, given a chance, I would come back and take all of those roads not taken, alleys shied away from, narrow, devious yet enticing paths abandoned at the last minute for cleared, broader motorways, but not just as yet.  In the last 24 hours I’ve completed a book, watched a movie, all of which talk about the same thing...am I done yet? You would think so!

I’ve deliberately kept away for the last few weeks. I’ve had so much to say that I have not known how to prioritize. Choices have figured prominently throughout. Some made consciously, some others just seeped in. In another few hours from now, I shall be in a different land, a city that left me lost the last time around. This time hence, I am a little more prepared. I know that I’d hardly chance upon an acquaintance each time I stepped out, that my closest friends are not only a phone call away, I can’t run back to the comforts of home each time I feel like hiding. But this time I know this too that the city is more than the romantic mirage of rain on the Marine Drive. So much more…but having said that, I’m not admonishing it as a bad thing! We all need to know how to hold your head up and smile, while your tear glands are swelling, how to brave the lack of familiarity and make your own, how to live amidst the chaos and still not become a part of it, and also become a part of it and yet not lose yourself amidst it. It does another thing, this whole hauling yourself to unfamiliar territory…gives you courage and faith in yourself like nothing else does. When you know you are on your own to get your shit together, there is nothing else you do better!

I have lots to look forward to. A relatively new city...not familiar grounds any longer, with new challenges, with a new rhythm, and the ever so elusive ‘Bumbay Spirit’…I hope to catch a wheeze of it this time around, if nothing else at least a brief glimpse. If not, this time I know I will have tried J

Kolkata yet again, continues to have that thread of attachment, each time in its own charming ways. Sometimes it sends a chill down my spine to see the way she smiles each time I leave, as though she knows better! I don’t know, if she does, I can only speculate. But one thing that I know, at this point, is that I needed to do this. For the sake of finding the me, as I knew her.  The quirky, happy traveler, who was not so caught up. And while a friend claimed that inspite of being quirky I’ve always wanted a home to base my quirk from, I guess I still am looking for that home, one that did not have so many tangled cobwebs…In trying to settle her own dilemmas, I unfortunately was almost on the verge of giving her up somewhere. I remember just days ago two very close friends were engaged in a friendly travel-anecdote-sharing-repartee, at one point I remember congratulating one of them with ‘I’ll give that to you’, but somehow suddenly while watching Julia Roberts glide through landscapes and people in distant unknown lands in search of the uncomprehended, the memory just came back to me. And strangely I could not remember what I wanted to give it to my friend for; what he had said and done that I had then found so applaudable. That is possibly when I realized that I’d been too caught up, with everything around me that while I still advised some closest to me to stop and breathe, I myself was hardly doing that anymore. Complications happen, to each one of us, some of us are just left caught up in them and complaining about them, while at some better times, we decide to do something about them. It was one of those moments when I decided to come back to this city that never sleeps. And as the rhythm of the train sank in, I got my share of the peaceful sleep...till before I step into the chaos.

This long train journey helps me realize, how much of me I had been missing. I’m the one who smiles for no reason, not the one who is cranky for no reason. I’m quirky not scared. I have always embraced the roads, inspite of the knots in my stomach; why then was I so afraid?

Braving myself and knotting my shoelaces firm…till such time again, like a dear friend recommends I too shall keep walking...

Momentous!

Entangled the vines rose
Etched within each other
Guarded by the shadows of the day
Embracing their warmth
When the world looked the other way

Every yearning, each crave,
Every little sigh
Every game lost and all those played
Some walk, some fleet by
Only unseemingly fueling
each yearning, every crave, all those games played!

The decrepit remains
The nondescript essence
And then the momentous intense glint...
Of the secrets unkempt
And stories aplenty
That built them, killed them;
Harmed, but was yet endearing
Here a moment, and then not
Like the wrinkled skin
That stood witness to the ravages of sand and time...

maybe in another lifetime,
maybe, yet again, in another lifetime!

Attempt SOS!

Here goes another attempt! To communicate...so that it reaches the me that can process the information.

There must have been a few hundred lines, i've written and deleted by now, for this very post!

But this post i shall keep...as an ode to this feeling...of blankness! Nothing like i last said...

Till such times, my words regain their spontaneity ...my efforts will be these disjointed meaningless half posts. Like a friend was saying, maybe i need to endure this blankness, so as to let the disconnected emotions find their own dark alleys to freedom...

Nothing, really

The lull, the storm
they all have passed
They damaged, they've built,
They've done their bit!
The calm now,
is of the nothing.
The storm now
completes the nothing

Blank canvases,
closed windows,
silent bells,
and just nothing..

And again!

I'm running out of words now. and expressions. and feelings.
You know the feeling of exasperation, and worse still exasperation about not understanding what is going on. And why! And how exactly I should deal with it...yes that! i think i should stop trying altogether. Trying to deal with it. Then maybe it'll deal with itself! Or it wont. Whatever!

Some wounds ooze out pus and blood, even if you were just trying to see if they've healed at all. Looks ugly! With them you should just let them be. There's nothing much you can do anyway, except to

ignore them, and keep walking... :)

Unanswered

Essentials. I've been procrastinating quite a bit lately. And  no, am not proud of it..am typing it here, only to make it look more real, so that i can go back to stop doing it (*fingers crossed..hope this helps*)

Don't ask me for reasons! I dont like doing things because i have to, and have never been any good at that. I dont make the effort hence, and that's not going to get me to feel guilty. I know the pressures of time and common sense, but i know myself a tad bit better. I've never changed myself to suit my situation. Its always worked the other way round. And this is not a challenge to Fate or any higher power, if one exists. It simply is like this!

What i fail to understand is a moral dilemma. The question of right and wrong again. The question of fairness. But then again isnt it the most important to be fair to yourself, before anybody/anything else? You, at the end of the day, are the only one who fends for yourself, and protects and saves yourself! At each given time. Then help me understand why feel guilty if you give precedence to your wants? Over anything else, even over your needs!
I dont want an answer. It will come to me eventually! Till then, i shall keep doing what i am best at! These are only my burdens to bear and i know i have strong shoulders... 

Just a line i found somewhere and would like to keep it for posterity..

"If what you are leaving me for is...Kilimanjaro...
Then, Bon Voyage my friend,
Safe Journey"

:)

Short Stories Culminated!

Usually how it happens is, the longer a story is, the more familiar you get with the characters. You start to identify the smaller nuances of the characters, sometimes to the extent that you can even predict how the character will react/respond to a particular scenario. Am guessing that's the secret behind novels. However good or bad the novel be, once you get involved, its difficult to let go till you are through with it.

However, have you ever thought what happens when you left a novel half read and came back to it months later? the few times i've done this, i've lost interest in the book, or have had to start at the beginning. I've made that effort only when the book had an intense draw, something that i could not resist. At most of the other times i've given up on the book. Never got to see or read how the characters or for that matter the story culminated.

Am still trying to put together the novel...My life otherwise has simply been an amalgamation of short stories!
Short & Succinct!

To Be or Who to be, Tonight!

Something that i'd written a long time ago, and thought i had lost.. :|


Dinner’s served and quite a grand one it is. While your friends can’t stop talking about how badly they want to dance their woes away into the night (and possibly into terribly painful morning-aftertoes), you are hardly paying attention! And who can blame you for it? The phone just chimed angrily and reminded (almost reprimanded) you that its already twenty minutes past the time when you should have been in your Channel (or its look-alike to say the least) outfit, smugly having fitted into your Manolo Blahnik (didn’t the guy at Sarojini market assure you they were originals!!). But lo and behold you are in your faded pair of shorts and that tattered, but supremely comfortable tank top (still!!) you secretly wished you never had to get out of. But wishful thinking set aside it is high time you made that crucial decision; the party will pick up steam in just another hour and you still haven’t set your mind on whether to be, or ‘who’ to be tonight!


As you grope through dinner your mind is furiously trying to remember (and the hash that you just finished smoking isn’t helping!!) the ‘in’ party-wear tips the last issue of Cosmo asserted upon you, as well as what Anusha thoughtfully decided were ‘the biggest faux pas in party-wear’ in her 15 minutes of un-missable fashion advice for the season on MTV! Through this entire painful dilemma, a faint voice inside your head squeaks ‘can’t you just wear your favourite pair of jeans and a tee and get done with it? It’s so much easier to dance in them anyway!’ But as soon as your conscious mind realizes the evil scheming your subconscious mind has been up to (which is good enough to make you a social outcast in your ‘oh-so-cool’ party circuit) you quickly proceed to strangle that voice and get back to your endeavours of remembering (or at least trying to) what your fashion gods spelled as the do’s and don’ts of fashion are, it gets some people like me thinking.


Back in those days when people still romanticized the rain, when having a good time was not
synonymous with drinking, or better still, drugging yourself silly and passing out in the effort, when VH1 and MTV did not rule our wardrobes (and practically every other avenue in our lives!), wasn’t clothing meant to be comfortable and reflect who we really are! But turns out as time and television would have it, it is quite the opposite, for most people at least (some like me who are the direct descendants of the Gods of Laziness, couldn’t still be bothered!)


The spring-summer collections, the fall line, the little black dress, Victoria’s many secrets, retro reminiscing, the gypsy look, the rugged punk effect, and more or less the “I’m not me, but I’m what the latest trend this season says I should be” look seems to have had perpetrated not only our wardrobes but also our sense of being. (Personal Note: By ‘our’ I strictly mean the specific groups of fashionista or wannabe fashionista at least, who, with their limited mental capacity, cannot imagine how life was before ‘Zara’).


The sad part is that it is they who are in the majority and make their sane counterparts who didn’t know if there was a sale going on in Zara, look foolish and outdated. But what the hell, why can’t you just leave the gypsy look to the gypsies and get back to your room with pink walls adorned with even pink-er hearts and oversized self-portraits and call your best friend and bitch about how Sharmaji’s son winked (aka glanced in passing) at you while you were in the elevator! Ok, removing the traces of sarcasm that you may have thought I have been harbouring, all I am trying to say is that if you are this lill girl who likes to wear a pink hairband with a pink dress and don a pretty pair of pink pumps you shouldn’t have to wear silver studded leather jackets, slashed tops, and clunky-cool footwear just coz its ‘in’. What’s in today is not tomorrow and that only leaves you with the option of changing who you are each time a Wendell Rodricks, and fancies a new line of clothing. So, every time you are overpowered by an urge to adulate your fashion diva and his/her style statement remember he/she gets paid millions to adorn those ridiculous outfits while you only may end up ridiculing yourself...and well, if your fashion idol is Lady Gaga, “God save you”!!!

The Man-Woman 'In-equation'

So its a lazy Sunday, that i've mostly decided to work through, however much my heart may not have been in it.This however, is not a break from work, this is something that it just re-instated in my mind, because of work.

So i was on with my usual PR-ing, when in the flow of things i took the conversation with some journo to Facebook (Hail Social Media yet again!) and in the flow of things we decided to catch up and share a smoke! Now, don't go all moral police-y on me and go lecturing me on how i shouldn't smoke up with strangers. I'm past that age!!

Anyway, i shall skip the details and get to the point. I wonder what men in our country think of a woman who is forthcoming and is not miss-goody-two shoes and does not pretend to be one. Because once i agreed to smoking up, saying "i hardly ever say no to smoking" the ensuing question was what else do i hardly say no to? I assured him that there wasnt much except for drinking! This, however, brought back another, or maybe several other incidents to me and made me wonder. those of us, women who are forthcoming and not bogged down by the social dilemmas, and hence are hardly ever in the closet, what is our perception with men? By being who we are, independent, strong-willed and socially non-awkward women, do we inherently give out the message of being easy? If we are the kind of women, who speak of sex and abuse publicly does that essentially mean we are the 'easy' types? Men do that too, and without any inhibitions? Why can't we be the counterpart gender, without any implications of its inherent connotations? Why is it that we are simply labelled as 'available' the moment we show any traits of being self dependent, self-sufficient, progressive women, not afraid to speak our mind! Oh! I forget; when it come to women, 'forward' or 'progressive' also equal upto 'bad' and'easy'!
I am not accusing here, simply asking. So if you are a man, and reading this, i pray, don't take offence, but do give me an honest answer.

Another incident that it  immediately  brought back to me is a memory of a couple of months ago, when i was coming back to the City of Joy with a joyful heart, since i would get to see my 'lowe' after months, n that too on my blessed birthday. While on the flight i exchanged seats with some guy, and later figured that this was the first time that he and his friend were visiting the city so happily gave them my inputs about what they should see in the city, where all they could party and so on! We chatted a lill about Kolkata, travelling, music (since the guy was carrying a guitar, which had sparked my interest), after which we exchanged numbers just in case the guy needed some help aka advice about going around in the city. The  guy and his friend seemed pretty decent, with pretty decent jobs so i did not hesitate much. Little did i know that, i would get a horde of text messages for the next few days, with plans to meet up. I politely denied the first few offers, and then stopped responding. What the hell? I only had four days that i wanted to spend with my boyfriend, to meet who i had spent close to 12 grands and even without meeting strangers i already had enough people-meeting to squeeze into those 4 days. Nonetheless, the messages continued for a while, only stopping several times after me not responding.
Story number 3: On Christmas eve, i was supremely happy, because i just came out of the theatre having watched Don and that it was Christmas eve. So when people in a passing vehicle yelled, 'Merry Christmas', i yelled back. Because its Christmas! You are happy and you greet people. That is NORMAL. What was not normal was the response i got ' Fuck You'. I pray, please tell me why exactly? Why did i deserve that instead of a "to u too" or a 'same to you", why is it that i get a "fuck you". Coz am a woman? Thank you for your kindness!

Now, here's the thing. I'm a social person and a nice one at that. I think its merely plain rudeness to not reply  to people. But what i have realized is that the niceties are usually taken otherwise. Now there is a possibility that i read too much into it, and maybe in the last case, he and his friend were two lonely souls in Kolkata, looking only for a guide (in which role i seemed to fit perfectly, as i had already proved to them!), but somehow, it did not feel like that. Maybe age, and past experience has made me somewhat jaded, but i do become a lill cautious, when i see the water brimming. And it is always more advisable to not play with an already over-full glass! But what is it with you men really? When a woman, smiles and/or talks to you on her own, it simply means that she is talking and/or being nice. And not that she wants to get laid! True she gives out signals, from time to time, but when she is asking you 'what the time is' with the most matter of fact expression, it is not one of those times! To give you another instance, once when a well known theatre guy wanted to meet me for coffee, i agreed to immediately, since i thought it was about work. Later turns out that he wanted to spend some 'quality' time with me!! Why? Because i had, expressed my love for theatre and had a lengthy (translating to 15 minutes) of discussion on theatre, their work and so on, with him. I don't think he considered that it could have been out of genuine interest and appreciation for the art, rather than out of my fancy for his balding head! It angers me, mostly, how forthcoming gestures by the womenkind are almost always misinterpreted. And why? Because we are women. The moment we ourselves take the lead and make conversation with a man, it has to be because we are held captive by their innane charm and never because it was a fellow human being who shared similar interests, thank you! Yes, we have one night stands, but that is when we wanted to! So just because we slept with a distant friend of yours, does not mean we will sleep with you also!
This, 'I can floor every woman i come across' is typically an Indian men trait, though am thankful for the handful of men friends i have who think otherwise. But that too could be because of the company they keep. At least i would like to believe so. And i will abuse if i want to! And i will give out catcalls and i will speak of sex and sexuality in as loud a voice as i would speak about the the 9/11 conspiracy! I will wear short clothes because God damn you, it is summer!

So here's a note to men! Wake up. The only reason we are talking to you is not that we want to be in bed with you in the next few hours, or few weeks (as it applies to various men, with varying self-perceptions). A lot of times, it is because you are fellow human beings and just that. Period!

'lath path agneepath'

Very rarely does a movie move me enough to sit down and write a review. This is one of those times!

I had been getting mixed reviews for Agneepath, but i had to watch it for myself. Being a loyal Hrithik fan, (who  once in her tender ages, wished she was Hrithik's neighbor instead of his now wife!) you know you owe it to the man to watch his film in a theatre. If nothing else, he promises to get you salivating at least once in the film!

Agneepath was so much more than that! A remake of a very powerful and successful Hindi film it had to be well cast to bring about a similar arousal of feelings that the erstwhile 'angry young man' brought up, more than 20 years ago. And it had Hrithik Roshan. And Priyanka Chopra. And a lot of times, both in the same frame. A lot of times i had  trouble deciding who to concentrate on. But then my loyalties overpowered me, like i knew they would. I feel bad for not being able to give Miss Chopra enough attention in several scenes. Was too damn difficult to take my eyes off Hrithik, and just so that you know this is not my bias speaking - he was in a white shirt and blue jeans for most parts of the movie.
Since Hrithik's is a long discussion i shall talk about his 'lady love' in the  film, first! Like a friend rightly pointed out it it is simply amazing how the woman slips into the shoes of any character! and with elan. From an uppity, arrogant bosses' wife demanding sex from an employee, to a Marathi chawl chik, ironically called Kali, she carries off almost every role with equal class and expression! Though she had a brief role in helping the 'roshan' star of the movie achieve his vengeance, she did it beautifully well. The emotions of joy, heartbreak all came across equally well. As a bonus for most part of the film you get to see her in a saree!

And since we are speaking of emotions i have to bring up our very own Katrina Kaif. Though in that one track, she did try to emote (especially in moments where she aank maro-s toward Hrithik) whatever little she could, she should not really worry about her facial expressions. Her body does most of the talking for her! And dude it speaks well! ;) She almost managed to look 2-dimensional in the song!! After a very long time, i think after Shilpa Shetty, she is the only one who sports a figure like that! Again like another friend rightfully pointed out - exactly the kind of body you need for a saree! the right amount of length at the waist; enough place for the drapes to fall and lure you into Lalaland! Thank God, her and Piggy Chops were not pitched in the same frame! They would have redefined the 'Battle of Sexes' ;)

Kancha Cheena aka Sanjay Dutt played his part well too. And though he did look like Voldemort's long lost brother in places (like the picture that is doing its rounds on FB claims), kudos to him for pulling off that look of hatred and actually getting people to detest his character! And the body he's made...No, it doesn't attract, it scares, just as intended!
And then theres Hrithik! Coming to the 'man of the moment', its been a while since i've seen him in such a powerful role and being a true blue fan i was a lill disappointed seeing him in ZNMD, Kites and the likes. True he, redefined Greek Gods, but that was it! Again being a loyal fan, i had a little more expectation. And boy, o boi, did he meet those! Though many (and most of them fall into jealous boyfriends and ex-boyfriends category) claim that he looks somewhat non-humanly (God save me, i was about to write inhumanly!) with his muscles and the rest of the body, but Kudos to a man for having put in that effort to transform himself from a stammering, lanky young man, to that what we see on screen today! Respect him totally, for the hard work he's put in! And then there were scenes from Agneepath. Hrithik, in a white shirt and blue jeans, on a Bullet. You just couldn't go wrong with that! I was actually salivating. Then, there's Hrithik, in a flaming red, raw silk, pathani suit. Red tika on his forehead, facing a magnanimous idol of Lord Ganesha. Engrossed in the aarti! A couple of scenes later - Hrithik, in that same flaming red raw silk Pathani, angry! Red aabir, smeared across his face! I felt my gut falling suddenly, into unknown depths, with that scene. You have to be a woman, to know what 'aabir' on a man's face does to organs like your stomach and heart, and salivary glands to say the least!!

Now that am sufficiently done drooling over the man, i shall concentrate on several aspects of the film. Liked the way the film was shot. To cite an instance, the way 'Mandwa' (the village near Bum-bay, where Vijay originates from, his father gets killed and later Kaancha Cheena takes over) looks so different after Kancha takes over. Reminded me of the way the world looked in Matrix after the Machines had taken over. The same blueish, dark, impending-evil hues. Pulled off the feel well. Then there's another scene where you see a humongous statue of Ganesh, and there is a curtain of 'aabir' that falls infront of it, while at its foot, small ant-like creatures are busy with the arati. Several other shots too have stayed with me! Visually they did a good job.
Also, you have to give the movie, its due credit for having made an extremely powerful piece of cinema. When Deenanath Chauhan is dragged to his deathm you feel it! When Shiksha (the sister), comes to meet Vijay for the first time, you feel it. When Kali (Piggy Chops!! hehhe) hugs Vijay when she gets to know that inspite of his vow not to marry, he still kept his wedding fund, it reaches out to you! each time Vijay gets hit, you feel the blow. Several times in the course of the movie i got goosebumps. Now that rarely happens! When Hrithik repeats the dialogues "Poora naam : Vijay Deenanath Chauhan; Baap ka naam: Deenanath Chauhan; Gaon: Mandwa", you do not compare him to Big B. You just watch mesmarized! In the end when he gathers every ounce of power left in his bruised, battered body to pick up the mammoth Kaancha Cheena ( Hrithik actually lifts Sanjay Dutt!), and shouts 'lath path Agneepath' you still do not compare him to Amitabh Bachchan. You hold your breath instead. That's the place, the once lanky fellow has created for himself!

In making the movie as powerful as it was the storyline of vengenace, (which, for that matter was seen on screen after a long time) and the music did an equally good job. As a friend rightfully pointed out choosing a Maharastrian group to do the music was a good idea. Brought the localite Mumbai feel to the movie. Not that Rahman, would have been a bad choice, but that Mumbai duo did a splendid job in adding to the power and feel of the film! Even 'Gun-gun-Guna na', made me feel like dancing when watching it. That i was watching it in Menoka, helped! :P (In a very emotional sequence, where after 15 years, Vijay's mother asks him to come home to have dinner, a guy somewhere shouts 'yehi hai Maa ka pyaar'...I could not help but clap! LOL..can only happen in the City of Joy!).
For a while after the movie( till i sat down to key this down) i kept feeling restless and heady. Net net, money well spent.
I shall have a good night's sleep today, with 'the man' all over my dreams. Nite people!

Oxy-moronish...or plain moronish you can say!

Ok. I feel better already.
Knowing that there are other people (and by that i mean women specifically, because i strongly believe that men hardly have as much insight or patience) go through similar woes, and blog about them. Procrastinating basically. Not that i dont have work. If i had invested this time, writing more meaningful stuff like 'comparing mortgage brokers in some uncanny states of USA' i'd probably have made more money now. But i wouldn't have smiled this smile am smiling now!

I was been reading some blogs. A woman's blog that i truly like but cannot follow publicly. Why? Some ex-pseudo-boyfriend (for both)-weirdass connection. Net net, it'll be a lill awkward if i follow it! But what the heck? I've hardly ever done anything on the sly! And if you like reading what someone writes, that's hardly wierd! I shall now. Follow it i mean.Oxy-moronish...or plain moronish you can say!

Happy-er i am :)

This post is called I Don't Know

Sometimes you wish time stopped. Sometimes it does, and ironically when it does, is when u need it to run the fastest. Those are times you wish for nothing and nowhere. You wish everything were different, from your parents, to your friends, to your partner, to your job, to your circumstances, and maybe even yourself!

To an extent at least!

Those are times i come here, mostly, to tell myself that i still like myself. If anyone is reading this, please know, that this post is only for me. Because i needed to write. Because i could find peace in nothing else. So its vague and abstract to the point of being chaotic, because that's how i feel like right now.

There's nothing worse than a silent scream. A scream is traditionally defined as a cry for help. But what when noone can hear you? Worse still, when you yourself hardly can. Growing up i always thought being a grown up is so much better; at least you get to make your own choices, without anyone breathing down your neck. i wish someone had told me the burdens choice brings. Its easier when you have someone to blame. But when you are the only one staring back, at you, you have but no choice but to believe in your choices. At different crossroads in life, i have often stopped to wonder how life would be so drastically different if i had made a different set of choices. Do i regret them? Mostly not. However, am human, like most and sometimes have doubts in them, for God knows i've not always made the best ones. 

I do not know what this nibbling feeling is this time, but i know the feeling all too well. Well then, if i still cannot tell, i wonder sometimes, how much has changed? Sometimes i think i know, and am in denial. I love the term 'in denial', just so that you know. It rationalizes and justifies a whole lot of insane actions! Anyway getting back to the point, if i were in denial, isn't it essential that i don't believe something, as in most cases is, the reality. But what if i believed, just did not know if i believe in it strongly enough to act on it. What if its a passing phase, that too will pass? Again what if its not? When do you really know? Many say, you just know. Even when you do, the dilemma always is acting on it. Afterall, you could be wrong and end up gambling everything for a 'wrong' feeling. God's games are sometimes devious! And the sad part is you never know what it was until its over...

I don't know what choices am talking about here, but i know i want something to be different. I detest being unhappy. It feels like the dementors are coming to get you. Those are times when i turn back n say, 'U better have something fucking brilliant in store for me, to make up for this God! u better!" And i believe he does, am not sure though how long this dark hallway is. And the moment i think that, another scary thought flashes across. What if the darkness is because i've kept my eyes tightly shut and am refusing to open them. The scariest bit however is, when you are not able to tell anymore! When you don't know if something else could make you happy, or is it just you and your depressive self. Then i think of the times i used to call myself an optimist. At some age we all harbour the belief that the world is a rosy place, and Cinderella's slippers will fit and  she will live happily ever after. But what the fairy tale discounts is the chances of the slipper getting lost or broken. What do u do then? What would Cinderella have done?

Not knowing is a terrible feeling. Its like being in limbo. Not wanting to find out is worse still. Sedentary behaviour is possibly the worst cause to fight for. Choices are always yours to make. They always have been. But sometimes i cant help but think, life would be possibly better without them. Because u dont know that there's something better. What you don't know cant hurt you. Whoever said Ignorance is bliss, sure knew what he was saying.

And then we have motivating cinema. It tells us that you are all powerful and all you have to do is believe. Like Neo, the rest of us can be the One too. One day, some day, i believed it too! Am waiting for the day i will again!

In the mean time i will have loved and lost, break and broken, suffered and perpetrated, for none of us are pure white or only black. We all come in shades of grey. Some are a tad bit lighter than the others. But that is no reason to celebrate. One way or the other this must end. Isn't that what Neo said? 

Oh, wait. That was the Oracle!

PS: These are times when i wish i could lay silently in my bed and hear the sound of the rain. The pitter, patter, pattern. Its so overpowering at most occasions, it drives all troublesome thoughts out of my head and leaves me with a feeling of tranquility. Damn! I want it to rain now!

PPS: If you actually have read through, i must have come across as a depressive maniac! I'll come around. I always do. I don't know though if that's a good or a bad thing!
Hence, am doing the only thing that can possibly do me some good now...



Khub khanikta kende kete

Ashru dhele ghora ghora
Nijer sathe, ek rokomer
Kore ne bhai, bojhapora!

Tahar pore, aandhar ghore prodip khani jaliye tolo
Bhule ja bhai, kahar sathe,
Kotok tukun tofat holo.

Monere tai kaho je,
Bhalo, mondo jahai aashuk,
Satye-re lawo sawhoje!

Mere moments

Fair and Unfair. Unfair and fair. Some will say its subject to relativity. Some others will claim it is just human. Both are.
At time one compromises, at other times one is wiser. I sometimes wish i compromised, i sometimes wish i were wiser! Is it fair to ask of another what has been asked off you? Just for the sake of fairness.
Nothing and nobody waits for you. You are on your own for most bits. At other, inane self obsessed moments, you harbour vivid illusions. But they are that. Just that!
Life
Your path will go on entwined with whatever comes your way. It is the snakes that you choose that will dictate the course. If you think they are killing you they will;

Still walking braving all snakes and twigs; will keep walking till my journey lasts...