As yet another year comes to a close

Yet another year is coming to a close. And its been one hell of a year!

As is true with each year, it has brought its share of ups, or at least apparent ones, and its share of lows. Sometimes with not so clear demarcations. Good, bad, ugly have blended in so well sometimes, it became increasingly difficult to tell one from the other. Through a swarm of extreme highs and lows, it became increasingly difficult to discern one from the other. Anyhow, i have almost swam through!

This year began with a jerk. From reading what i wrote at the end of last year, i should have seen it coming, and maybe i did; do i see it coming again? Like i said, things have blended in so smoothly, my vision has almost blurred. But i'd like to believe not yet. Or to say the least, i'd like to hope so. Call me a fool, but the little things that give us hope of  brighter day, after the night, is something that each of us likes to hold on to. And for now, i shall hold on to mine; till it slips away... 

From the very start, this year had me make some tough choices. I chose myself and a different city. And in some ways that paid off. Travel and drunk dancing can help you deal with almost anything. Thankfully the first worked for me tremendously earlier this year. I will always be grateful to some splendid people for making that happen. From Goa, to Naukuchiyatal, to that unknown spring by the hills, to Jalianwala Bagh, travelling helped soothe my nerves. So did the job. Knowing that you can get what you want is always a good feeling, till, you actually have it, and you realize, maybe you did not want it all that much. And that too is exactly what happened. But dint they say, that if you want something badly enough the Universe conspires to make it happen? Sometimes the conspiracies you may like, sometime you may despise, but hardly can you ever stop them. 

Good things, and completely unforeseen, unintended good things happened as well. Some people happened! Bitter sweet drama followed, and hell yea, that is always tantalizing. At moments i gave in, at some other more self obsessed one i fought. Yet we held on, sometimes inspite of my insanities, sometimes inspite of his. In the meantime i realized like never before, what it means to not judge a book by its cover! And that's a puzzle am still trying to put together. Its good, i haven't found all the pieces yet. I was never too good with serenity, though sometimes i may ask for it desperately. Sigh! the follies and contradictions of human nature.

In the meantime, realizations happened. From realizing that maybe i should have made more of an effort in places where i did not, and lesser in places where i did, to realizing that it was disastrous to have put anybody's needs before mine. As did realizations like maybe with time and experience my tolerance levels have sunk low, and that it maybe a lill unfair on others. My burdens, after all are mine, and only mine to bear. 

Again i was presented with a set of tough choices and this time the course of life made those choices for me. Went through the lowest of the lows, and discovered passion; went through the highest highs and discovered vices. The last few months especially were a blur of illnesses, bad choices, insecurities, bad jobs, still worse choices, yet more illness, and yet more tragedy. They say, you fight and win or you perish; am making efforts to keep myself from perishing. Through it all, some people have been constants. They know who they are and how much they mean to me. I owe you all a hug of gratitude. :)

All said and done, the crests and troughs this year, have both been pretty steep. Am complaining and not!
Someone says i seek drama; i call it stimulation. Well, times change, and times fly.. A year ago, a far more depressed me, was sitting and writing a similar post, in an alien city, today am safely tucked in, in my blanket in the comforts of home while i type this. Some things still need to be figured out, and they will in their own time, i'd like to believe. From Bumbay, to Delhi, back to Calcutta, it's really been one hell of a year.

Tempus fugit...am still holding fort! Like always, just a lill more wiser now...

Bidding the last goodbye

Its been a long long week, and a taxing one at that.

As i sat down today, inspite of several objections, to pay my last homage to the woman i owe my name to, a heavy feeling took over. One that i had kept at bay, for a while now. As the last rights of passage passed, memories came back from the nooks and corners they had been crammed way into. Memories of me having gone up to her as a child, after each day at school, with my complaints about mum. Memories of laying beside her and listening to her tell me stories; memories of having slipped into her kitchen to eat 'chaal'..; sitting in the balcony beside her, while she read in the evening light...

Time and distance have made most of the memories a little fuzzy, but they came back all the same. I had not seen her for a while; had been too caught up in my own world to see hers. I couldn't regret that more now. I'm sorry i wasn't there mamuni, when you were in pain; i'm sorry things turned out the way they did. I owe you a hug.

The woman passed away, two days back. As things are settling back to forced normalcy, with rituals following, the folly of existence somehow lays bare. She burnt to death. By the time my parents reached, there was very little left of her. I could not see her body; dada says its a good thing i remember her the way i do. In the middle of all of this, it fails me, how shallow and how apparent at that some people can be. Angers me too; If its not in your capacity to be honest to the cause, there is no need for you there; none whatsoever. You did not need to be there, to see the drama unfold, or to even provoke it. Its not your playing field. As relatives flocked to hear the story, and pry into the scene with their ostentatious sympathies, i wondered yet again what the point was...What was the point of inquiring into my whereabouts, when i reached, how promptly i reached, why they hadnt seen me before, if i had flown in; If i'd allowed them, i think the next thing they would have tried to find out is how much it had cost me!!

I wanted to participate in the 'kaaj'. I wasn't supposed to because i am a daughter; another folly i fail to understand; and never will; from what i could tell, i was more willing than many who did participate, by virtue of birth and marriage. I sat there nonetheless and recited the verses, hoping her soul would find some solace. I hope you did, if not in life or death, after so;

Rest in peace mamuni; am sorry it took me so long to bid you the last farewell

Wake up and Smell the Coffee

Over time a lot of things in me have changed. I've become analytical, of myself and others; something that i hardly used to do before; I size people up these days after i've met them, and usually am not very wrong about them; I've become intuitive, about people about things; again something that has grown with time. A particular friend of mine, if she were reading this, would have a proud mother's grin on her face now. However the grin i know would not last if sh continues reading.

Inspite of having developed these insights i still feel i'm very gullible. Very easy to influence. Someone a long time back had conveniently termed it as 'adaptable'. If the then me, had not fully understood the connotations of being adaptable, standing here where i do today i think i understand the word a little more. A lill older i am today! And while it is an absolute pleasure to tell yourself that you are/were right, no one likes being left feeling like a fool, knowing that you knew better. I certainly dont.

I realize that i need to put my foot down more often when there are things i dont agree to. The inane problem here is, that while at first i do, but if someone convinces me well enough of otherwise it does not take much for me to change my opinion. Possibly because i've for the longest time not relied on my instinct. Forget relying, i've not had a clear gut instinct. But now, that i'm a lill more aware i would like to chose otherwise. I'm penning this down so that each time i'm about to get moulded and carried away, i can come back to this post, shake myself and wake up and smell the coffee.

This is the last time i'm doing something inspite of the nibbling feeling that i know better. I will see how this spans out. People make new year resolutions; as this eventful 2011 comes to an end i'm making myself a year-end resolution: Never Again Against My Better Judgement.

We will still keep walking; this time only with firmer steps! I am Me, and i'm the only one for myself! And we shall always be!