Attempt SOS!

Here goes another attempt! To communicate...so that it reaches the me that can process the information.

There must have been a few hundred lines, i've written and deleted by now, for this very post!

But this post i shall keep...as an ode to this feeling...of blankness! Nothing like i last said...

Till such times, my words regain their spontaneity ...my efforts will be these disjointed meaningless half posts. Like a friend was saying, maybe i need to endure this blankness, so as to let the disconnected emotions find their own dark alleys to freedom...

Nothing, really

The lull, the storm
they all have passed
They damaged, they've built,
They've done their bit!
The calm now,
is of the nothing.
The storm now
completes the nothing

Blank canvases,
closed windows,
silent bells,
and just nothing..

And again!

I'm running out of words now. and expressions. and feelings.
You know the feeling of exasperation, and worse still exasperation about not understanding what is going on. And why! And how exactly I should deal with it...yes that! i think i should stop trying altogether. Trying to deal with it. Then maybe it'll deal with itself! Or it wont. Whatever!

Some wounds ooze out pus and blood, even if you were just trying to see if they've healed at all. Looks ugly! With them you should just let them be. There's nothing much you can do anyway, except to

ignore them, and keep walking... :)

Unanswered

Essentials. I've been procrastinating quite a bit lately. And  no, am not proud of it..am typing it here, only to make it look more real, so that i can go back to stop doing it (*fingers crossed..hope this helps*)

Don't ask me for reasons! I dont like doing things because i have to, and have never been any good at that. I dont make the effort hence, and that's not going to get me to feel guilty. I know the pressures of time and common sense, but i know myself a tad bit better. I've never changed myself to suit my situation. Its always worked the other way round. And this is not a challenge to Fate or any higher power, if one exists. It simply is like this!

What i fail to understand is a moral dilemma. The question of right and wrong again. The question of fairness. But then again isnt it the most important to be fair to yourself, before anybody/anything else? You, at the end of the day, are the only one who fends for yourself, and protects and saves yourself! At each given time. Then help me understand why feel guilty if you give precedence to your wants? Over anything else, even over your needs!
I dont want an answer. It will come to me eventually! Till then, i shall keep doing what i am best at! These are only my burdens to bear and i know i have strong shoulders... 

Just a line i found somewhere and would like to keep it for posterity..

"If what you are leaving me for is...Kilimanjaro...
Then, Bon Voyage my friend,
Safe Journey"

:)

Short Stories Culminated!

Usually how it happens is, the longer a story is, the more familiar you get with the characters. You start to identify the smaller nuances of the characters, sometimes to the extent that you can even predict how the character will react/respond to a particular scenario. Am guessing that's the secret behind novels. However good or bad the novel be, once you get involved, its difficult to let go till you are through with it.

However, have you ever thought what happens when you left a novel half read and came back to it months later? the few times i've done this, i've lost interest in the book, or have had to start at the beginning. I've made that effort only when the book had an intense draw, something that i could not resist. At most of the other times i've given up on the book. Never got to see or read how the characters or for that matter the story culminated.

Am still trying to put together the novel...My life otherwise has simply been an amalgamation of short stories!
Short & Succinct!

To Be or Who to be, Tonight!

Something that i'd written a long time ago, and thought i had lost.. :|


Dinner’s served and quite a grand one it is. While your friends can’t stop talking about how badly they want to dance their woes away into the night (and possibly into terribly painful morning-aftertoes), you are hardly paying attention! And who can blame you for it? The phone just chimed angrily and reminded (almost reprimanded) you that its already twenty minutes past the time when you should have been in your Channel (or its look-alike to say the least) outfit, smugly having fitted into your Manolo Blahnik (didn’t the guy at Sarojini market assure you they were originals!!). But lo and behold you are in your faded pair of shorts and that tattered, but supremely comfortable tank top (still!!) you secretly wished you never had to get out of. But wishful thinking set aside it is high time you made that crucial decision; the party will pick up steam in just another hour and you still haven’t set your mind on whether to be, or ‘who’ to be tonight!


As you grope through dinner your mind is furiously trying to remember (and the hash that you just finished smoking isn’t helping!!) the ‘in’ party-wear tips the last issue of Cosmo asserted upon you, as well as what Anusha thoughtfully decided were ‘the biggest faux pas in party-wear’ in her 15 minutes of un-missable fashion advice for the season on MTV! Through this entire painful dilemma, a faint voice inside your head squeaks ‘can’t you just wear your favourite pair of jeans and a tee and get done with it? It’s so much easier to dance in them anyway!’ But as soon as your conscious mind realizes the evil scheming your subconscious mind has been up to (which is good enough to make you a social outcast in your ‘oh-so-cool’ party circuit) you quickly proceed to strangle that voice and get back to your endeavours of remembering (or at least trying to) what your fashion gods spelled as the do’s and don’ts of fashion are, it gets some people like me thinking.


Back in those days when people still romanticized the rain, when having a good time was not
synonymous with drinking, or better still, drugging yourself silly and passing out in the effort, when VH1 and MTV did not rule our wardrobes (and practically every other avenue in our lives!), wasn’t clothing meant to be comfortable and reflect who we really are! But turns out as time and television would have it, it is quite the opposite, for most people at least (some like me who are the direct descendants of the Gods of Laziness, couldn’t still be bothered!)


The spring-summer collections, the fall line, the little black dress, Victoria’s many secrets, retro reminiscing, the gypsy look, the rugged punk effect, and more or less the “I’m not me, but I’m what the latest trend this season says I should be” look seems to have had perpetrated not only our wardrobes but also our sense of being. (Personal Note: By ‘our’ I strictly mean the specific groups of fashionista or wannabe fashionista at least, who, with their limited mental capacity, cannot imagine how life was before ‘Zara’).


The sad part is that it is they who are in the majority and make their sane counterparts who didn’t know if there was a sale going on in Zara, look foolish and outdated. But what the hell, why can’t you just leave the gypsy look to the gypsies and get back to your room with pink walls adorned with even pink-er hearts and oversized self-portraits and call your best friend and bitch about how Sharmaji’s son winked (aka glanced in passing) at you while you were in the elevator! Ok, removing the traces of sarcasm that you may have thought I have been harbouring, all I am trying to say is that if you are this lill girl who likes to wear a pink hairband with a pink dress and don a pretty pair of pink pumps you shouldn’t have to wear silver studded leather jackets, slashed tops, and clunky-cool footwear just coz its ‘in’. What’s in today is not tomorrow and that only leaves you with the option of changing who you are each time a Wendell Rodricks, and fancies a new line of clothing. So, every time you are overpowered by an urge to adulate your fashion diva and his/her style statement remember he/she gets paid millions to adorn those ridiculous outfits while you only may end up ridiculing yourself...and well, if your fashion idol is Lady Gaga, “God save you”!!!

The Man-Woman 'In-equation'

So its a lazy Sunday, that i've mostly decided to work through, however much my heart may not have been in it.This however, is not a break from work, this is something that it just re-instated in my mind, because of work.

So i was on with my usual PR-ing, when in the flow of things i took the conversation with some journo to Facebook (Hail Social Media yet again!) and in the flow of things we decided to catch up and share a smoke! Now, don't go all moral police-y on me and go lecturing me on how i shouldn't smoke up with strangers. I'm past that age!!

Anyway, i shall skip the details and get to the point. I wonder what men in our country think of a woman who is forthcoming and is not miss-goody-two shoes and does not pretend to be one. Because once i agreed to smoking up, saying "i hardly ever say no to smoking" the ensuing question was what else do i hardly say no to? I assured him that there wasnt much except for drinking! This, however, brought back another, or maybe several other incidents to me and made me wonder. those of us, women who are forthcoming and not bogged down by the social dilemmas, and hence are hardly ever in the closet, what is our perception with men? By being who we are, independent, strong-willed and socially non-awkward women, do we inherently give out the message of being easy? If we are the kind of women, who speak of sex and abuse publicly does that essentially mean we are the 'easy' types? Men do that too, and without any inhibitions? Why can't we be the counterpart gender, without any implications of its inherent connotations? Why is it that we are simply labelled as 'available' the moment we show any traits of being self dependent, self-sufficient, progressive women, not afraid to speak our mind! Oh! I forget; when it come to women, 'forward' or 'progressive' also equal upto 'bad' and'easy'!
I am not accusing here, simply asking. So if you are a man, and reading this, i pray, don't take offence, but do give me an honest answer.

Another incident that it  immediately  brought back to me is a memory of a couple of months ago, when i was coming back to the City of Joy with a joyful heart, since i would get to see my 'lowe' after months, n that too on my blessed birthday. While on the flight i exchanged seats with some guy, and later figured that this was the first time that he and his friend were visiting the city so happily gave them my inputs about what they should see in the city, where all they could party and so on! We chatted a lill about Kolkata, travelling, music (since the guy was carrying a guitar, which had sparked my interest), after which we exchanged numbers just in case the guy needed some help aka advice about going around in the city. The  guy and his friend seemed pretty decent, with pretty decent jobs so i did not hesitate much. Little did i know that, i would get a horde of text messages for the next few days, with plans to meet up. I politely denied the first few offers, and then stopped responding. What the hell? I only had four days that i wanted to spend with my boyfriend, to meet who i had spent close to 12 grands and even without meeting strangers i already had enough people-meeting to squeeze into those 4 days. Nonetheless, the messages continued for a while, only stopping several times after me not responding.
Story number 3: On Christmas eve, i was supremely happy, because i just came out of the theatre having watched Don and that it was Christmas eve. So when people in a passing vehicle yelled, 'Merry Christmas', i yelled back. Because its Christmas! You are happy and you greet people. That is NORMAL. What was not normal was the response i got ' Fuck You'. I pray, please tell me why exactly? Why did i deserve that instead of a "to u too" or a 'same to you", why is it that i get a "fuck you". Coz am a woman? Thank you for your kindness!

Now, here's the thing. I'm a social person and a nice one at that. I think its merely plain rudeness to not reply  to people. But what i have realized is that the niceties are usually taken otherwise. Now there is a possibility that i read too much into it, and maybe in the last case, he and his friend were two lonely souls in Kolkata, looking only for a guide (in which role i seemed to fit perfectly, as i had already proved to them!), but somehow, it did not feel like that. Maybe age, and past experience has made me somewhat jaded, but i do become a lill cautious, when i see the water brimming. And it is always more advisable to not play with an already over-full glass! But what is it with you men really? When a woman, smiles and/or talks to you on her own, it simply means that she is talking and/or being nice. And not that she wants to get laid! True she gives out signals, from time to time, but when she is asking you 'what the time is' with the most matter of fact expression, it is not one of those times! To give you another instance, once when a well known theatre guy wanted to meet me for coffee, i agreed to immediately, since i thought it was about work. Later turns out that he wanted to spend some 'quality' time with me!! Why? Because i had, expressed my love for theatre and had a lengthy (translating to 15 minutes) of discussion on theatre, their work and so on, with him. I don't think he considered that it could have been out of genuine interest and appreciation for the art, rather than out of my fancy for his balding head! It angers me, mostly, how forthcoming gestures by the womenkind are almost always misinterpreted. And why? Because we are women. The moment we ourselves take the lead and make conversation with a man, it has to be because we are held captive by their innane charm and never because it was a fellow human being who shared similar interests, thank you! Yes, we have one night stands, but that is when we wanted to! So just because we slept with a distant friend of yours, does not mean we will sleep with you also!
This, 'I can floor every woman i come across' is typically an Indian men trait, though am thankful for the handful of men friends i have who think otherwise. But that too could be because of the company they keep. At least i would like to believe so. And i will abuse if i want to! And i will give out catcalls and i will speak of sex and sexuality in as loud a voice as i would speak about the the 9/11 conspiracy! I will wear short clothes because God damn you, it is summer!

So here's a note to men! Wake up. The only reason we are talking to you is not that we want to be in bed with you in the next few hours, or few weeks (as it applies to various men, with varying self-perceptions). A lot of times, it is because you are fellow human beings and just that. Period!

'lath path agneepath'

Very rarely does a movie move me enough to sit down and write a review. This is one of those times!

I had been getting mixed reviews for Agneepath, but i had to watch it for myself. Being a loyal Hrithik fan, (who  once in her tender ages, wished she was Hrithik's neighbor instead of his now wife!) you know you owe it to the man to watch his film in a theatre. If nothing else, he promises to get you salivating at least once in the film!

Agneepath was so much more than that! A remake of a very powerful and successful Hindi film it had to be well cast to bring about a similar arousal of feelings that the erstwhile 'angry young man' brought up, more than 20 years ago. And it had Hrithik Roshan. And Priyanka Chopra. And a lot of times, both in the same frame. A lot of times i had  trouble deciding who to concentrate on. But then my loyalties overpowered me, like i knew they would. I feel bad for not being able to give Miss Chopra enough attention in several scenes. Was too damn difficult to take my eyes off Hrithik, and just so that you know this is not my bias speaking - he was in a white shirt and blue jeans for most parts of the movie.
Since Hrithik's is a long discussion i shall talk about his 'lady love' in the  film, first! Like a friend rightly pointed out it it is simply amazing how the woman slips into the shoes of any character! and with elan. From an uppity, arrogant bosses' wife demanding sex from an employee, to a Marathi chawl chik, ironically called Kali, she carries off almost every role with equal class and expression! Though she had a brief role in helping the 'roshan' star of the movie achieve his vengeance, she did it beautifully well. The emotions of joy, heartbreak all came across equally well. As a bonus for most part of the film you get to see her in a saree!

And since we are speaking of emotions i have to bring up our very own Katrina Kaif. Though in that one track, she did try to emote (especially in moments where she aank maro-s toward Hrithik) whatever little she could, she should not really worry about her facial expressions. Her body does most of the talking for her! And dude it speaks well! ;) She almost managed to look 2-dimensional in the song!! After a very long time, i think after Shilpa Shetty, she is the only one who sports a figure like that! Again like another friend rightfully pointed out - exactly the kind of body you need for a saree! the right amount of length at the waist; enough place for the drapes to fall and lure you into Lalaland! Thank God, her and Piggy Chops were not pitched in the same frame! They would have redefined the 'Battle of Sexes' ;)

Kancha Cheena aka Sanjay Dutt played his part well too. And though he did look like Voldemort's long lost brother in places (like the picture that is doing its rounds on FB claims), kudos to him for pulling off that look of hatred and actually getting people to detest his character! And the body he's made...No, it doesn't attract, it scares, just as intended!
And then theres Hrithik! Coming to the 'man of the moment', its been a while since i've seen him in such a powerful role and being a true blue fan i was a lill disappointed seeing him in ZNMD, Kites and the likes. True he, redefined Greek Gods, but that was it! Again being a loyal fan, i had a little more expectation. And boy, o boi, did he meet those! Though many (and most of them fall into jealous boyfriends and ex-boyfriends category) claim that he looks somewhat non-humanly (God save me, i was about to write inhumanly!) with his muscles and the rest of the body, but Kudos to a man for having put in that effort to transform himself from a stammering, lanky young man, to that what we see on screen today! Respect him totally, for the hard work he's put in! And then there were scenes from Agneepath. Hrithik, in a white shirt and blue jeans, on a Bullet. You just couldn't go wrong with that! I was actually salivating. Then, there's Hrithik, in a flaming red, raw silk, pathani suit. Red tika on his forehead, facing a magnanimous idol of Lord Ganesha. Engrossed in the aarti! A couple of scenes later - Hrithik, in that same flaming red raw silk Pathani, angry! Red aabir, smeared across his face! I felt my gut falling suddenly, into unknown depths, with that scene. You have to be a woman, to know what 'aabir' on a man's face does to organs like your stomach and heart, and salivary glands to say the least!!

Now that am sufficiently done drooling over the man, i shall concentrate on several aspects of the film. Liked the way the film was shot. To cite an instance, the way 'Mandwa' (the village near Bum-bay, where Vijay originates from, his father gets killed and later Kaancha Cheena takes over) looks so different after Kancha takes over. Reminded me of the way the world looked in Matrix after the Machines had taken over. The same blueish, dark, impending-evil hues. Pulled off the feel well. Then there's another scene where you see a humongous statue of Ganesh, and there is a curtain of 'aabir' that falls infront of it, while at its foot, small ant-like creatures are busy with the arati. Several other shots too have stayed with me! Visually they did a good job.
Also, you have to give the movie, its due credit for having made an extremely powerful piece of cinema. When Deenanath Chauhan is dragged to his deathm you feel it! When Shiksha (the sister), comes to meet Vijay for the first time, you feel it. When Kali (Piggy Chops!! hehhe) hugs Vijay when she gets to know that inspite of his vow not to marry, he still kept his wedding fund, it reaches out to you! each time Vijay gets hit, you feel the blow. Several times in the course of the movie i got goosebumps. Now that rarely happens! When Hrithik repeats the dialogues "Poora naam : Vijay Deenanath Chauhan; Baap ka naam: Deenanath Chauhan; Gaon: Mandwa", you do not compare him to Big B. You just watch mesmarized! In the end when he gathers every ounce of power left in his bruised, battered body to pick up the mammoth Kaancha Cheena ( Hrithik actually lifts Sanjay Dutt!), and shouts 'lath path Agneepath' you still do not compare him to Amitabh Bachchan. You hold your breath instead. That's the place, the once lanky fellow has created for himself!

In making the movie as powerful as it was the storyline of vengenace, (which, for that matter was seen on screen after a long time) and the music did an equally good job. As a friend rightfully pointed out choosing a Maharastrian group to do the music was a good idea. Brought the localite Mumbai feel to the movie. Not that Rahman, would have been a bad choice, but that Mumbai duo did a splendid job in adding to the power and feel of the film! Even 'Gun-gun-Guna na', made me feel like dancing when watching it. That i was watching it in Menoka, helped! :P (In a very emotional sequence, where after 15 years, Vijay's mother asks him to come home to have dinner, a guy somewhere shouts 'yehi hai Maa ka pyaar'...I could not help but clap! LOL..can only happen in the City of Joy!).
For a while after the movie( till i sat down to key this down) i kept feeling restless and heady. Net net, money well spent.
I shall have a good night's sleep today, with 'the man' all over my dreams. Nite people!