random, scattered thoughts...some with a pattern, some without... conscious and unconscious efforts; together they throw some insight and help me rediscover myself and my nascent nuances...
Ok. I feel better already.
Knowing that there are other people (and by that i mean women specifically, because i strongly believe that men hardly have as much insight or patience) go through similar woes, and blog about them. Procrastinating basically. Not that i dont have work. If i had invested this time, writing more meaningful stuff like 'comparing mortgage brokers in some uncanny states of USA' i'd probably have made more money now. But i wouldn't have smiled this smile am smiling now!
I was been reading some blogs. A woman's blog that i truly like but cannot follow publicly. Why? Some ex-pseudo-boyfriend (for both)-weirdass connection. Net net, it'll be a lill awkward if i follow it! But what the heck? I've hardly ever done anything on the sly! And if you like reading what someone writes, that's hardly wierd! I shall now. Follow it i mean.Oxy-moronish...or plain moronish you can say!
Sometimes you wish time stopped. Sometimes it does, and ironically when it does, is when u need it to run the fastest. Those are times you wish for nothing and nowhere. You wish everything were different, from your parents, to your friends, to your partner, to your job, to your circumstances, and maybe even yourself!
To an extent at least!
Those are times i come here, mostly, to tell myself that i still like myself. If anyone is reading this, please know, that this post is only for me. Because i needed to write. Because i could find peace in nothing else. So its vague and abstract to the point of being chaotic, because that's how i feel like right now.
There's nothing worse than a silent scream. A scream is traditionally defined as a cry for help. But what when noone can hear you? Worse still, when you yourself hardly can. Growing up i always thought being a grown up is so much better; at least you get to make your own choices, without anyone breathing down your neck. i wish someone had told me the burdens choice brings. Its easier when you have someone to blame. But when you are the only one staring back, at you, you have but no choice but to believe in your choices. At different crossroads in life, i have often stopped to wonder how life would be so drastically different if i had made a different set of choices. Do i regret them? Mostly not. However, am human, like most and sometimes have doubts in them, for God knows i've not always made the best ones.
I do not know what this nibbling feeling is this time, but i know the feeling all too well. Well then, if i still cannot tell, i wonder sometimes, how much has changed? Sometimes i think i know, and am in denial. I love the term 'in denial', just so that you know. It rationalizes and justifies a whole lot of insane actions! Anyway getting back to the point, if i were in denial, isn't it essential that i don't believe something, as in most cases is, the reality. But what if i believed, just did not know if i believe in it strongly enough to act on it. What if its a passing phase, that too will pass? Again what if its not? When do you really know? Many say, you just know. Even when you do, the dilemma always is acting on it. Afterall, you could be wrong and end up gambling everything for a 'wrong' feeling. God's games are sometimes devious! And the sad part is you never know what it was until its over...
I don't know what choices am talking about here, but i know i want something to be different. I detest being unhappy. It feels like the dementors are coming to get you. Those are times when i turn back n say, 'U better have something fucking brilliant in store for me, to make up for this God! u better!" And i believe he does, am not sure though how long this dark hallway is. And the moment i think that, another scary thought flashes across. What if the darkness is because i've kept my eyes tightly shut and am refusing to open them. The scariest bit however is, when you are not able to tell anymore! When you don't know if something else could make you happy, or is it just you and your depressive self. Then i think of the times i used to call myself an optimist. At some age we all harbour the belief that the world is a rosy place, and Cinderella's slippers will fit and she will live happily ever after. But what the fairy tale discounts is the chances of the slipper getting lost or broken. What do u do then? What would Cinderella have done?
Not knowing is a terrible feeling. Its like being in limbo. Not wanting to find out is worse still. Sedentary behaviour is possibly the worst cause to fight for. Choices are always yours to make. They always have been. But sometimes i cant help but think, life would be possibly better without them. Because u dont know that there's something better. What you don't know cant hurt you. Whoever said Ignorance is bliss, sure knew what he was saying.
And then we have motivating cinema. It tells us that you are all powerful and all you have to do is believe. Like Neo, the rest of us can be the One too. One day, some day, i believed it too! Am waiting for the day i will again!
In the mean time i will have loved and lost, break and broken, suffered and perpetrated, for none of us are pure white or only black. We all come in shades of grey. Some are a tad bit lighter than the others. But that is no reason to celebrate. One way or the other this must end. Isn't that what Neo said?
Oh, wait. That was the Oracle!
PS: These are times when i wish i could lay silently in my bed and hear the sound of the rain. The pitter, patter, pattern. Its so overpowering at most occasions, it drives all troublesome thoughts out of my head and leaves me with a feeling of tranquility. Damn! I want it to rain now!
PPS: If you actually have read through, i must have come across as a depressive maniac! I'll come around. I always do. I don't know though if that's a good or a bad thing!
Hence, am doing the only thing that can possibly do me some good now...
Khub khanikta kende kete
Ashru dhele ghora ghora
Nijer sathe, ek rokomer
Kore ne bhai, bojhapora!
Fair and Unfair. Unfair and fair. Some will say its subject to relativity. Some others will claim it is just human. Both are.
At time one compromises, at other times one is wiser. I sometimes wish i compromised, i sometimes wish i were wiser! Is it fair to ask of another what has been asked off you? Just for the sake of fairness.
Nothing and nobody waits for you. You are on your own for most bits. At other, inane self obsessed moments, you harbour vivid illusions. But they are that. Just that!
Life
Your path will go on entwined with whatever comes your way. It is the snakes that you choose that will dictate the course. If you think they are killing you they will;
Still walking braving all snakes and twigs; will keep walking till my journey lasts...
