Attempt SOS!

Here goes another attempt! To communicate...so that it reaches the me that can process the information.

There must have been a few hundred lines, i've written and deleted by now, for this very post!

But this post i shall keep...as an ode to this feeling...of blankness! Nothing like i last said...

Till such times, my words regain their spontaneity ...my efforts will be these disjointed meaningless half posts. Like a friend was saying, maybe i need to endure this blankness, so as to let the disconnected emotions find their own dark alleys to freedom...

Nothing, really

The lull, the storm
they all have passed
They damaged, they've built,
They've done their bit!
The calm now,
is of the nothing.
The storm now
completes the nothing

Blank canvases,
closed windows,
silent bells,
and just nothing..

And again!

I'm running out of words now. and expressions. and feelings.
You know the feeling of exasperation, and worse still exasperation about not understanding what is going on. And why! And how exactly I should deal with it...yes that! i think i should stop trying altogether. Trying to deal with it. Then maybe it'll deal with itself! Or it wont. Whatever!

Some wounds ooze out pus and blood, even if you were just trying to see if they've healed at all. Looks ugly! With them you should just let them be. There's nothing much you can do anyway, except to

ignore them, and keep walking... :)

Unanswered

Essentials. I've been procrastinating quite a bit lately. And  no, am not proud of it..am typing it here, only to make it look more real, so that i can go back to stop doing it (*fingers crossed..hope this helps*)

Don't ask me for reasons! I dont like doing things because i have to, and have never been any good at that. I dont make the effort hence, and that's not going to get me to feel guilty. I know the pressures of time and common sense, but i know myself a tad bit better. I've never changed myself to suit my situation. Its always worked the other way round. And this is not a challenge to Fate or any higher power, if one exists. It simply is like this!

What i fail to understand is a moral dilemma. The question of right and wrong again. The question of fairness. But then again isnt it the most important to be fair to yourself, before anybody/anything else? You, at the end of the day, are the only one who fends for yourself, and protects and saves yourself! At each given time. Then help me understand why feel guilty if you give precedence to your wants? Over anything else, even over your needs!
I dont want an answer. It will come to me eventually! Till then, i shall keep doing what i am best at! These are only my burdens to bear and i know i have strong shoulders... 

Just a line i found somewhere and would like to keep it for posterity..

"If what you are leaving me for is...Kilimanjaro...
Then, Bon Voyage my friend,
Safe Journey"

:)

Short Stories Culminated!

Usually how it happens is, the longer a story is, the more familiar you get with the characters. You start to identify the smaller nuances of the characters, sometimes to the extent that you can even predict how the character will react/respond to a particular scenario. Am guessing that's the secret behind novels. However good or bad the novel be, once you get involved, its difficult to let go till you are through with it.

However, have you ever thought what happens when you left a novel half read and came back to it months later? the few times i've done this, i've lost interest in the book, or have had to start at the beginning. I've made that effort only when the book had an intense draw, something that i could not resist. At most of the other times i've given up on the book. Never got to see or read how the characters or for that matter the story culminated.

Am still trying to put together the novel...My life otherwise has simply been an amalgamation of short stories!
Short & Succinct!

To Be or Who to be, Tonight!

Something that i'd written a long time ago, and thought i had lost.. :|


Dinner’s served and quite a grand one it is. While your friends can’t stop talking about how badly they want to dance their woes away into the night (and possibly into terribly painful morning-aftertoes), you are hardly paying attention! And who can blame you for it? The phone just chimed angrily and reminded (almost reprimanded) you that its already twenty minutes past the time when you should have been in your Channel (or its look-alike to say the least) outfit, smugly having fitted into your Manolo Blahnik (didn’t the guy at Sarojini market assure you they were originals!!). But lo and behold you are in your faded pair of shorts and that tattered, but supremely comfortable tank top (still!!) you secretly wished you never had to get out of. But wishful thinking set aside it is high time you made that crucial decision; the party will pick up steam in just another hour and you still haven’t set your mind on whether to be, or ‘who’ to be tonight!


As you grope through dinner your mind is furiously trying to remember (and the hash that you just finished smoking isn’t helping!!) the ‘in’ party-wear tips the last issue of Cosmo asserted upon you, as well as what Anusha thoughtfully decided were ‘the biggest faux pas in party-wear’ in her 15 minutes of un-missable fashion advice for the season on MTV! Through this entire painful dilemma, a faint voice inside your head squeaks ‘can’t you just wear your favourite pair of jeans and a tee and get done with it? It’s so much easier to dance in them anyway!’ But as soon as your conscious mind realizes the evil scheming your subconscious mind has been up to (which is good enough to make you a social outcast in your ‘oh-so-cool’ party circuit) you quickly proceed to strangle that voice and get back to your endeavours of remembering (or at least trying to) what your fashion gods spelled as the do’s and don’ts of fashion are, it gets some people like me thinking.


Back in those days when people still romanticized the rain, when having a good time was not
synonymous with drinking, or better still, drugging yourself silly and passing out in the effort, when VH1 and MTV did not rule our wardrobes (and practically every other avenue in our lives!), wasn’t clothing meant to be comfortable and reflect who we really are! But turns out as time and television would have it, it is quite the opposite, for most people at least (some like me who are the direct descendants of the Gods of Laziness, couldn’t still be bothered!)


The spring-summer collections, the fall line, the little black dress, Victoria’s many secrets, retro reminiscing, the gypsy look, the rugged punk effect, and more or less the “I’m not me, but I’m what the latest trend this season says I should be” look seems to have had perpetrated not only our wardrobes but also our sense of being. (Personal Note: By ‘our’ I strictly mean the specific groups of fashionista or wannabe fashionista at least, who, with their limited mental capacity, cannot imagine how life was before ‘Zara’).


The sad part is that it is they who are in the majority and make their sane counterparts who didn’t know if there was a sale going on in Zara, look foolish and outdated. But what the hell, why can’t you just leave the gypsy look to the gypsies and get back to your room with pink walls adorned with even pink-er hearts and oversized self-portraits and call your best friend and bitch about how Sharmaji’s son winked (aka glanced in passing) at you while you were in the elevator! Ok, removing the traces of sarcasm that you may have thought I have been harbouring, all I am trying to say is that if you are this lill girl who likes to wear a pink hairband with a pink dress and don a pretty pair of pink pumps you shouldn’t have to wear silver studded leather jackets, slashed tops, and clunky-cool footwear just coz its ‘in’. What’s in today is not tomorrow and that only leaves you with the option of changing who you are each time a Wendell Rodricks, and fancies a new line of clothing. So, every time you are overpowered by an urge to adulate your fashion diva and his/her style statement remember he/she gets paid millions to adorn those ridiculous outfits while you only may end up ridiculing yourself...and well, if your fashion idol is Lady Gaga, “God save you”!!!